How to spend a perfect day in Melbourne, Australia
Jonathan Ames is an American writer with multiple novels and comic memoirs to his credit. He created the HBO show "Bored to Death."
If you are a romantic couple, read on –
If you are a foodie couple, read on –
If you’re a couple that likes to swim, read on –
If you misread the previous sentence and thought I wrote that if you were a couple that likes to swing that’s not what I meant but please feel free to read on –
If you lead a jet-setting lifestyle and because you lead such a lifestyle you only have 24 hours in Melbourne, Australia, but want to get a taste of this lovely city, read on –
If you answered yes to any of the ifs above, or if you didn’t answer yes to any of the ifs above, I hope you will read on, regardless, as these “ifs” were not meant to be exclusionary, but simply an attempt on my part to be clever and to catch your eye, as I set out to provide a programme for 24 enjoyable hours in Melbourne, Australia:
1. Crown Metropol
Arrive around 10 a.m., which I hope implies that you haven’t been travelling too long or too arduously, and go to the Crown Metropol, having secured an early check-in. This may not be the most beautiful or the most quaint hotel in Melbourne, but it is gleaming, sophisticated, centrally located, has spectacular views from its upper rooms, and at its very top there rests a magnificent indoor swimming pool.
I can’t suggest any other hotel, because I didn’t stay anywhere else, but I certainly enjoyed the Crown Metropol. But who am I for you to take my advice on hotels or anything else? Well, that’s a good question. I don’t know who I am.
Recently on Wikipedia, while researching the British psychiatrist R.D. Laing – too long a digression to explain why I was looking up Laing, but I was – I happened to read a little bit about a friend of his, another psychiatrist, D.W. Winnicott, who could perhaps explain why I don’t know who I am, if he were still alive.
I had heard of Winnicott and so I clicked on his name while reading about Laing. An old friend of mine, whom I no longer talk to, was obsessed with psychiatry – he was trying to understand why he was upset all the time – and he often dropped Winnicott’s name the way other people name-drop famous acquaintances, and so there I was looking up Laing and clicked on Winnicott as a nod to my old friend, whom I should call, but I don’t think he’d call me back. I didn’t do anything wrong, but our connection has been severed. This happens as you age. Friendships die. They go bad like things left in the fridge.
Anyway, I read about three sentences on Winnicott’s notion of the false self and the true self, and in a psychologically hypochondriacal way, I immediately identified with the concept. Due to early childhood trauma, you develop a false self to survive. You can then spend a whole lifetime in this false self, like wearing the wrong pair of shoes and always having your feet hurt but never doing anything about it.
So my point is, having read three sentences on Winnicott, I can assure you I don’t know who I am and why you should take my advice on hotels. I can only think of one reason why you might – I have a human body that likes to breathe, eat, swim, and look at things. Thus any suggestions I make come from my body and not from a self, true or false.