AirAsia Limbo: Loved Ones Tell What It's Like Waiting for News

Heidi Snow, who lost her fiancé on doomed flight TWA 800 in 1996. (Accesshelp.org)

On July 17, 1996, Heidi Snow’s phone rang. She had just bid her fiancé, Michel Breistroff, goodbye and told him that she couldn’t wait to see him in a few weeks. On the phone was her mother, who said, “Please tell me that Michel wasn’t flying to Paris tonight.”

“I couldn’t believe it had really happened,” Snow tells Yahoo Travel. “I remember sitting there in the Ramada Inn and thinking that these things don’t happen - commercial flights don’t go down.”

For the next month, even though the experts were clear that there were no survivors from the crash of TWA 800, the flight her fiancé had boarded, Heidi held out hope that somehow he had walked away from the devastating scene. He was strong, she thought. We don’t have a body, she reasoned. Maybe he somehow swam to shore. He could still be alive.

This inner dialogue only ended when Michel’s remains were recovered. And then a whole new grief process began.

Related: Two Families Escape Disaster By Missing Doomed AirAsia Flight

A little more than three years later, Rabbi Jon Haddon of Danbury, Connecticut, was sound asleep on a Sunday morning in October, 1999, when the phone began to ring. Haddon was used to crisis calls at all hours – but he did not expect what he heard this time.

An Egyptian Air flight had crashed the night before with two of his congregants on board. The friends of Natalie and Marty Greenberg were frantic. Back then, before the internet was the primary news source, they were constantly watching their televisions, trying to find news.

Remembering loved ones lost at sea after the crash of TWA 800. (Access/Facebook)

Even several hours after the crash, no one knew if there were survivors – and if the Greenbergs had indeed died, their friends were worried about all kinds of things. Jewish funerals traditionally take place within 24 hours of a death. What if they were dead and their bodies were not recovered for days? What would happen?

Rabbi Haddon’s job was to offer comfort. With each caller, he tried to offer a positive spin: At least the Greenbergs were together when the plane went down, he said. At least this joined-at-the-hip couple was holding hands, expressing their love. If they had perished, the death would have been quick.

Today, as the world waits for news of AirAsia flight QZ 8501, missing since last night, many family members and friends of the passengers on board are holding out hope. Maybe the plane landed on an island? Maybe survivors will be found at sea?

Relative await news of QZ 8501. (Associated Press)

Indeed, crisis centers have been set up at Juanda International Airport in Indonesia and at Singapore Changi Airport, where friends and family of those on the doomed flight huddle, desperately longing for information.

Related: Air Asia Begs Question: Can Severe Weather Bring Down a Flight?

One woman, Louise Sidharta, who said her partner and his family were on board said she was thinking “positive thoughts.” “This was supposed to be his last trip with his family before we got married,” she added.

Another man, who did not give his name, said he was supposed to be on the flight with his two friends and their five family members – but he cancelled his trip two weeks ago. “I hope for a miracle and may God save all of them,” he said. “I should have gone with them….”

James Conway, a clinical psychologist, says friends and family members having a variety of reactions is normal. Our minds are programmed to make decisions, he points out, and our psyches don’t do a good job of handling ambivalence. Those waiting do not know whether they should prepare for their loved ones’ deaths or keep up hope. This kind of mental back-and-forth leaves people distraught, highly anxious, even in a state of shock.

In uncertain disaster situations like this one, says Conway, the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) often do begin to kick in – they won’t don’t want to believe the worst, like Snow and Sidharta. If the plane is missing for a long time, they may be in limbo, wishing for closure they cannot find.

According to Snow, who is the founder and executive director of ACCESS (Aircraft Casualty Emotional Support Services), as well as the author of Surviving Sudden Loss: Stories from Those Who Have Lived It, those left behind also want the airline to express sympathy, to establish trust, to keep them informed – and miraculously, that is what AirAsia and its founder Tony Fernandes have been doing. It may be the first time an airline has been so forthcoming, says Snow. Immediately AirAsia put out information through social media. Tony Fernandes admitted he was devastated about the missing plane, that it was his “worst nightmare.”

Although those with loved ones aboard the flight are undoubtedly experiencing grief and disbelief, at least they know that AirAsia is trying hard to find out what happened.

So what should you do if you have a friend whose loved one is missing, possibly the victim of a disaster? Make sure she’s not alone, says Phil Derner, founder of NYCAviation.com, as she may not be able to take good care of herself while she is in shock. Offer empathy, says Conway, but don’t encourage false hope. And seek out clergy or other professionals, says Haddon. That’s what they’re there for, and they will want to help.

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