26 Worst Decisions You Can Make on a Nude Beach

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Photo by Getty Images. Design by Lauren DeLuca for Yahoo Travel.

Hitting the beach in various stages of undress is no big deal in many places around the world. (Yes, we’re talking to you, French Riviera.) But as Americans, most of us don’t have a ton of experience with nude beaches. They exist in the U.S. (the American Association for Nude Recreation lists some of the most popular ones in North America) and they’re certainly an experience. But there are plenty of nude beach “don’ts” you should know before you go. Here are the 26 worst decisions you can make at a nude beach.

1. Failing to read the posted rules

Every beach has rules. Clothing optional beaches tend to have more rules. Read and follow carefully.

2. Forgetting a towel

Sand + bare butt = bad.

3. Forgetting to sunscreen everywhere

Especially on parts that don’t usually, er, see the sun, if you know what we mean. (And don’t forget to reapply!)

Related: Nude Beach Etiquette: The Unwritten Rules for Stripping Down

4. Expecting a scene out of Playboy or Chippendales

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Don’t come looking for Magic Mike (although you might find Mediocre Marvin). (Courtesy of Warner Bros.)

Trust us, nude beaches are only packed with perfect bodies in the movies. It’s kind of liberating.

5. Using a selfie stick

It’s obnoxious in places where people have their clothes on, so…

6. Close talking

You don’t like it when people invade your space with clothes on, right? That goes double for a nude beach. Americans prefer three feet of personal space in everyday life, so make it six when naked with strangers.

7. Taking pictures

This is not the time or place for Instagram, people.

8. Staring

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Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. (Photo: Blai Baules/Stocksy)

Need we explain? Don’t be that creepy guy.

9. Running

Even Baywatch babes needed a swimsuit to look good doing this.

10. Engaging in PDA

When you’re nekkid, everything takes on extra meaning. If you can’t keep your hands off your companion, put your clothes on and move back to the regular beach with all the other gropers. Or get a room.

11. Doing yoga poses

Don’t subject anyone to certain angles of your naked body. The beach yoga photo for you Facebook page will have to wait.

Related: 12 Cliche Tourist Photos We Can’t Wait to Dislike on Facebook

12. Neglecting to have a bathing suit or cover up handy just in case

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Always have some emergency clothing. (Photo: Getty Images)

Food and recreational facilities nearby may have no affiliation with the beach, and may have health codes to obey. Plus, you need to wear something back to the car.

13. Being ashamed of your body

Going to a nude beach is supposed to be liberating. It’s not about perfection (see no. 4). If you’re going to spend the whole day squirming, it’s not for you.

14. Making small talk

Conversing with strangers is such a common habit, it’s easy to forget that in this context, not everyone wants to chat. And if you do find someone who wants to have a conversation, look ‘em in the eyes, buddy.

15. Going with a brand new friend or significant other

TMI, my friends.

16. Bringing the kids.

This isn’t France.

17. Bending over.

Crouch, don’t bend. You don’t want to give everyone more of a view than they bargained for.

18. Doing anything that could accidentally cause, um, arousal.

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Just think about lots of baseball. (Photo: Corn Farmer/Flickr)

This one’s for the guys, obvs.

19. Having no shame.

You have to be respectful of the people around you.

20. Failing to hydrate

Ever see anyone with heat stroke while naked? It’s not pretty.

21. Eating snacks with lots of crumbs

Again, too many skin crevices, like with the sand.

22. Neglecting to manscape or groom properly

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You’re putting it all out there, so might as well make sure it’s well-pruned. (Photo: Getty Images)

This one’s a personal choice of course, but we think it would be nice.

23. Going with major bikini or tan lines

It just looks funny.

24. Wearing a hat. Or sneakers

Maybe it’s just us, but we think it’s just weird to wear nothing but a hat or sneakers and your smile.

25. Using a pickup line

Unless your ego can withstand the obvious observational comebacks from the now-completely-disgusted object your (unwanted) affection.

26. Behaving differently than you would at any other beach

The general rule at a nude beach is to behave normally. So unless your “normal” self is a lewd, gawking, selfie-taking greaseball, strip down and act naturally. It’s what everyone else is there for.

Related: The Awkward Truth About Nude Cruises

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