Your Facebook Life
Your alarm sounds at 7:30AM; it’s your Facebook Wake app, letting you know it’s time to get out of bed. Another Facebook Day awaits.
You check your Facebook Mail and Facebook Weather and your Facebook Calendar on your Facebook Phone. You check the markets on Facebook Money; Facebook stock is up 20%, which is good, because it’s the only stock you own. You brush your teeth with your Facebook Toothbrush and share the results of your session to Facebook Health; your dentist (suggested and accredited by Facebook) gives you a virtual thumbs up, which will be reflected on your next statement from Facebook-Cigna.
A notification gently prods you to connect and share to your network. You Instagram your teeth and send it to your WhatsApp friends, who have been monitoring your gum health on the Oculus Rift.
You log in to work (through Facebook Work) and say hello to your team via Facebook Office. Your Facebook Work Calendar updates you on your day ahead: You have several Facebook Chats planned, and a Facebook Video Conference at 1, and an in-person meeting at Facebook Building #4783 downtown. The Facebook Bus will drop you off just around the corner. The bus driver knows what you look like, because Facebook knows what you look like, and he knows what you’re wearing, because Facebook knows what you’re wearing.
When you board the bus he will greet you by name, and compliment you on your improved gum health.
You check the news again, on Facebook News, and the sports scores, on Facebook Sports. (The Atlanta Zuckerbergs defeated the Golden State Winkelvosses to win the NBA title.) You stream some jazz, through Facebook Jazz. You look for matches on Facebook Dating. You idly wonder about new jobs: Facebook is hiring, which is good, because they’re the only employer.
It’s funny to think about but there was a time when the Internet sprawled like a Web, and you had to leap from site to site and page to page and app to app if you wanted to access the bulk of the world’s information. And all of these different nodes and destinations and services were built by different companies, and the design was inconsistent and occasionally jarring, and people had so many different and provocative and ultimately wrong ideas about the way that information could be packaged and presented. Worst of all, the loading times for these services could bloat upwards to 8 seconds per page. Eight seconds! It’s hard to imagine now waiting 8 seconds for anything, or even sustaining an action for that long. Is there anything worth doing that can’t be measured in milliseconds?
Anyway, that’s all history; it was simpler to just go through Facebook. It is dinnertime in America and Facebook suggests a meal that is tailored to your tastes and your general health conditions as suggested by your DNA. You eat and you brush your teeth (fifteen likes!) and you curl up into bed. Facebook’s Connected Devices dim your lights and silence your room and slow your pulse and your breathing and your brainwaves.
Facebook has ensured that all of the conditions for your slumber are correct; all that’s left is for you to sleep.
