What’s Unfortunately Trending: Justin Bieber Meets the American Legal System

Deb Amlen
·Columnist

So you’re at a cocktail party and some know-it-all starts to pontificate on the legal ramifications of an international singer’s deposition in a civil hearing involving physical assault, in addition to the likelihood of a fair trial occurring, given the viral nature of said deposition’s video recording being leaked all over YouTube and Google and even Bing for god’s sake, by the reputable and intellectual televised program TMZ.

Say what?

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You don’t want to seem out of it, so here’s what you need to know: Canada’s most regrettable export, Justin Bieber, recently underwent a deposition in Miami in a civil lawsuit filed by a paparazzi photographer who claims that the Bieb ordered his bodyguard to beat the photographer to a senseless pulp and, even more tragically, to take the memory card from his camera. And now you can barely click on a kitty video on YouTube without having to squirm past a clip of this train wreck.

I thought about doing this as a parody, but as the saying goes, sometimes the jokes just write themselves. As a public service, however, Buzzology is providing the highlights of Mr. Bieber’s lesson on how to act like a spoiled, disrespectful brat:

1. Immediately lay out the terms under which you will answer questions. Waggle your finger and rotate your neck at the deposing attorney to emphasize your feelings. If that doesn’t work, either feign a coma or walk out.

2. Grace those around you with your opinions on the current state of journalism. As a means of furthering your point, confuse a male attorney with journalistic superstar Katie Couric.

3. Give ol’ Dale Carnegie a good spin in his grave and viciously attack the one person in the room who has no dog in the fight — the court reporter.

4. Claim to have forgotten ever having set foot in Australia, one of the most memorable continents in the world. In all fairness to Mr. Bieber, he might not remember traveling to Australia simply because he might not know where Australia is.

5. Clearly show the world your lack of SAT prep by confusing the words “detrimental” and “instrumental” — as in, “I was discovered on YouTube. It was detrimental to my career.” Well, sure. If you learn to read by hanging around on YouTube — Land of Intellectual Discourse — then of course it will be detrimental to your career.

While you’re at it, Mr. Bieber, why not hit it out of the ballpark by forgetting the international superstar who helped make you famous? Oh wait, you did that, too.

Hope you don’t have to stand in front of the Swingin’ Judge.

Is there something weirdly popular on the Internet that you’d like explained? Write to Deb Amlen at buzzologyYT@yahoo.com and let her know. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter (@debamlen).