What I Am Guessing Are the Lyrics to the HTC Rap Song, Without Having Listened to It
On Monday, the Taiwanese smartphone maker HTC released a rap video insulting its prime competitors, Apple and Samsung.
The music video was swiftly and universally derided. TechnoBuffalo deemed it “too painful to watch;” a writer for Gizmodo called it “the worst thing I have ever seen.”
I have not watched the music video nor listened to the rap song. Instead, as a thought experiment, I wrote my own rap, based on what I assume to be the content of a diss track recorded by HTC to target Apple and Samsung. I am proud to present it to you, below.
Yo, we’re HTC
And we’re here to say,
We make the best darn smartphones
In every way!
Yeah, you could get an iPhone
Or a Samsung Galaxy,
But saying they’re better than the One M8
Is simply a fallacy!
Samsung’s TouchWiz
Runs slow as molasses,
But check out the One M8
And its all-metal chassis!
You can say yes to the dress
But say no to iOS.
Its notification bar’s a mess
Even Tim Cook must confess!
Yeah, the One M8
Is on a whole ’nother level;
You’ll be totally blown away
By our super-thin bezel!
The Galaxy Note may be on fleek
But the One M8’s on fleeker
And your B-boy friends will love
Our hot BoomSound speakers!
The iPhone’s screens break bad
Like Walt on AMC;
The HTC One M8 boasts
Gorilla Glass 3!
And the Galaxy S5’s so slow,
Even Candy Crush is laggin’;
So don’t worry about speed
With the One’s Qualcomm Snapdragon!
Hey yo, Apple’s camera’s in crisis,
Just like a Cuban missile;
Have you seen the crystal clarity
Of our camera’s UltraPixels?
And yeah, Sam may have Sung,
But HTC is singin’,
You may throw your phone away
When you see what HTC’s been bringin’!
So when you’re shopping for a phone,
The choice is really, really easy;
Get the HTC One M8
And be cool, like Kanyeezy!
(Music fades out as well-compensated Harlem group breakdances with HTC One M8 in hand.)
*
You can watch the actual HTC rap video here. How’d I do?
