We know what you’re thinking: Oh, crap, is this Sunday really Mother’s Day? I got nothing.
Remember, there is a special circle of hell reserved for people who forget Mother’s Day. While your wee ones can scribble “I wub you” on a piece of torn construction paper and have Mom bawling like a newborn kitten, for you the bar is much higher. Whether you’re shopping for the mother of your children or your own mom, you’ve got to deliver or there will be consequences, my friend.
Is there still time? Yes, just barely. Here are are eight ways to avoid looking like a total heel:
Of course you’re going to order flowers. The question is, from whom? If your mom’s at all geeky, she’ll appreciate an arrangement from BloomNation, which connects you directly to artisan florists all over the country for same-day delivery. Why this online florist instead of the 10 gazillion others? Because (a) there are no usurious service charges like the ones tacked on by the usual suspects, and (b) it accepts bitcoin as payment. We know it’s what Satoshi Nakamoto would get for his mom.
We’d never suggest Mom is showing her age in any way (in fact, she looks younger every year). Still, a few groovy skin-care products couldn’t hurt. Lifeline Skin Care, for example, offers products based on non-embryonic human stem cell extracts to “stimulate your skin’s own abilities to repair itself.” Or EverDeep, based on a form of algae found only in the deepest waters of Northern Europe. Then there’s Colorado Aromatics Cultivated Skin Care products, which “use the power of herbs and science” to keep Mom looking young. Choose the two-day shipping option to get them there in time for Mom’s Day. (Full disclosure: The author, whose skin looks like a deflated helium balloon, has not tried any of these products and cannot verify these claims. Your mileage may vary.)
The spa who loved ma
What Mom really needs most of all is a vacation from you hooligans. A Spafinder gift card could provide the perfect mini break. It’s good for everything from acupuncture and massage to aromatherapy and meditation, in more than 20,000 locations nationwide. It never expires, and it’s delivered via email — so you really can wait till the last minute and still come out smelling like roses. (You did buy her roses, right?)
Scents and sensibility
So you want to get Mom a new fragrance, but you have no nose for what she’ll like. Take the guesswork out of it and buy her a perfume sampler. For $18 a month, Olfactif will surprise Mom with three scent samples every 30 days. If she decides to buy a full bottle, the store will deduct the cost of that month’s subscription. Luscious Cargo offers seven samples for $28 but lets Mom choose which niche perfumiers she wants to try. For prices starting around $15, the Posh Peasant will ship a handful of 1-milliliter samples from such well-known houses as Chanel and Givenchy. Perfume blogger (yes, really) Undina Ba walks through more of your options here.
For the crater good
What mom wouldn’t like a little piece of Mars to call her own? For prices ranging from $5 to $5,000, you can name a Martian crater after the woman who introduced you and/or your children to earth. Mothers on Mars (MoM) is the brainchild of Uwingu, a collective of space geeks who are attempting to build the first crowd-sourced Mars map. Half the revenues from MoM will go to fund grants for space-related educational projects. Uwingu will publish the name of your mom’s crater and send it to the Red Planet on the private manned Mars One mission, scheduled to lift off in 2024. However, the new name won’t be officially recognized by NASA (or, we presume, the Martians).
Cheese the one
Nothing says, “I love you, Mom” like a hamster-sized chunk of gourmet cheese. Or, even better, three of them, handpicked by the experts at Murray’s in New York City and delivered once a month. Each half-pound block is chosen “based on what’s tasting good in our caves,” says cheese monger Leo Rubin, who adds that no one is ever sent the same flavor twice. This cheese does not come cheap — a four-month subscription costs $275, six months goes for $400, and a full year runs $775. Too cheesy for you? You can choose a meat of the month instead for prices starting at $225.
Is mother a tough mudder? Fitness moms will appreciate Sensoria’s line of stylish sports bras and T-shirts, which feature built in heart-rate monitors ($149 each) that connect via Bluetooth to mobile apps like Endomondo, Runtastic, and RunKeeper. Or get her four pairs of fitness socks equipped with sensors that help adjust her running style to avoid injuries (available via preorder only at publication time). Can’t decide? Play it safe by getting her a gift certificate guaranteed to arrive in time. She’ll appreciate it — especially after eating all that cheese.
Honor thy mother
Or choose a gift that gives in more ways than one. Honor Your Mom lets you dedicate a webpage to the woman without whom you or your kids would not exist. Along the way, you can make a donation in your mom’s name that goes toward paying the medical bills of women in need across the planet. Upload a vintage photo, write a tribute of up to 300 words, and add an (optional) 15-second Instagram video testimonial. She’ll get an email with a link to her dedicated page and a postcard in the mail about a week later. Minimum donation is $5; donate $250 or more, and Honor Your Mom will send her a copy of the picture you uploaded printed on glass. And if that doesn’t get her bawling, then nothing will.
Questions, complaints, kudos? Email Dan Tynan at ModFamily1@yahoo.com.