The One Weird Trick to Self-Employment Bliss
Let’s be honest with each other: Times are tough. Jobs are scarce. Particularly for those of us who have been around the block a few times.
A person could become bitter or resentful after dumping hundreds of resumés down the dark hole of semi-fruitless job seeking, but not you or me.
We’re resourceful. We make our own rules.
So, while we’re waiting for those cushy CEO jobs with their sweet paychecks to open up, I would like to paraphrase a very wise person who once said, more or less, “When the going gets tough, the tough figure out what the hell those people in Nigeria know that we don’t, and then do exactly the same thing.”
Yes. Today, we’re going to review what it takes to produce high-quality spam. Not the kind that comes in the convenient little tins, although admittedly that can be an excellent protein source on a limited budget. I’m talking about the kind of spam that infiltrates your email inbox and attempts to hoover your life savings out of your bank accounts.
But first, a word from our sponsors:
“The editors of this website, as well as our rather nervous Legal Department, would like to take this opportunity to point out that they do not in any way endorse the use of spam emails as a way to make money, plus we’re kind of beginning to feel like maybe there really is no ‘one secret that women don’t want you to know.’ We would also like to state for the record that Ms. Amlen did not appear to have a criminal record when we did the background check, and that anything she says here is meant to be purely humorous and snarky and make everyone laugh. Ha ha.”
You’ve gotten tons of this stuff in your mailbox and, heaven help you, you might have actually clicked on some of it. Here are some hot tips for making your “phishing” scheme that much more likely to reel in the big bucks:
Inappropriate intimacy
Call people by their first names. This is straight out of Dale Carnegie. Using people’s names breeds instant chemistry, and as everyone knows, the more you have of something, the better off you are. Let’s say that your victim’s name is Dirk. Cram his name into your email as many times as possible so he can see you are sincere.
“Dirk,” you should write, “have you ever considered, Dirk, the many incredible benefits someone named Dirk might enjoy by investing in West African oil deposits? And I mean that with all sincerity, Dirk.”
Done correctly, that should plant the seeds of a potentially lucrative business partnership, and old Dirk should practically be able to feel the camaraderie as your tentacle slithers right around his shoulder.
Make them weep for their sainted grandparents. Use the word “Dearie” a lot, and don’t forget to remind them every few sentences just how old and helpless you are. Offer a hard candy or plate of cookies as a reward if they’ll just help you out of this one teeny-tiny jam your deceased husband got you into.
Alternatively, scare the crap out of them
Pretend to be a loved one in trouble. Your victims might be a bit surprised to hear that Aunt Bertha is stranded out in the Kalahari Desert, especially since she passed away in 1982, but only a heartless sociopath would refuse to wire her money after she was mugged by the bushmen, right?
Make good use of the word “URGENT.” You’ve got to really commit to this to make it effective. Anyone with an ounce of conscience and moral integrity will respond to a desperate plea for help getting money out of a foreign country, especially if there is 30 percent of the take in it for her.
Make your English teacher proud
Use random spacing, punctuation and diacritical marks like they’re going out of style. Because nothing says legitimate like a “medical professional” offering you a free dose of C. ïÀ l…ǐ$.
Misspell things. Who amongst us is perfect? Besides, anyone who has the time to actually proofread his offerings is clearly not focusing on being a Successful Businessperson.
Over-promising and secrets
Prey on insecurities. Here’s a secret: Heterosexual men like women. Some of them — not the kind you or I would want to have dinner with, mind you — feel that it’s a waste of their valuable time to get to know an actual woman, so we’re going to make life easier for them. Promise to teach them the one thing that will make a woman’s brain completely and immediately shut down like Windows Vista (on a good day). The one incredible, mystical secret that will make her tear off her clothes without a care in the world. The single, mind-blowing, super-secret trick that will compel her to just jump right into his bed, with absolutely no effort required. As if.
Teach people the “one weird trick.” Here’s another secret: People are sensitive about their belly fat, and you can use that to part them from their money. If you were to tell a woman that she was looking a little bloated around the middle and that the only way to get rid of it was to jump up on her boss’s desk, sing “9 to 5” and then demand a raise, she might scoff to your face, but as she was walking away, odds are good that she would be secretly scanning her brain to see if she remembered the lyrics. Getting her to eat nothing but an Asian herb for three weeks at a cost of $89.95 per auto-renewed bottle would be a cinch in comparison.
So there you have it. A simple yet effective remedy for our nation’s unemployment woes. Of course, that’s just the beginning. If you’d like to learn more about this (URGENT!) plan for raking in unbelievable amounts of mø.nê.Ÿ, click here for this last, phenomenal trick that will help you clean up.
Is there something weirdly popular on the Internet that you’d like explained? Write to Deb Amlen at buzzologyYT@yahoo.com and let her know. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter (@debamlen).
