Six Tacky, Creepy and Inappropriate Gifts to Send Your Valentine Screaming from the Room
There are plenty of perfect tech gifts out there, products that prove you know your significant other better than anyone else and really care.
And then there are these. What follows is a list of products that are sure to creep out, offend and make your significant other think twice about being in a relationship with you. Maybe just stick with roses?
1. Withings Smart Body Analyser
Exercise gadgets are a tricky gift proposition. If, say, you’re considering picking up a Fitbit fitness bracelet for Valentine’s Day, you ought to be positive your recipient doesn’t take it the wrong way (using terms like “fatty” are generally frowned upon when writing cards). All of this goes double for scales — no matter how smart they may be.
The Withings is an Internet-connected scale with lots to like, including weight-, fitness- and pulse-tracking. But it’s the kind of present someone really ought to be buying for themselves. Male or female, no one’s going to be looking for a $150 reminder that they could stand to shed a few with swimsuit season rapidly approaching.
The copy on the product’s Amazon page is just too good to not reprint here:
“Tired of your iPhone case? Now you can play dress-up with tiny underwear from Japan.”
It’s weird, it’s very Japanese and best (worst?) of all, there’s a picture of Hello Kitty in the lead product shot. The above version has hearts, but there are all sorts of different variants, including a leopard-print version. The thong appears to get in the way of the iPhone’s home button, and it doesn’t really offer up much in the way of protection.
3. Snore Activated Nudging Pillow
Maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t the right time to say, “I love you, but your horrible snoring is quite literally ruining my life.” And let’s be honest: This falls into the same category as lingerie — it’s a gift you buy someone else for your own benefit. Best thing to do is just stick this under your partner while he or she is sleeping and hope for the best. If that doesn’t work, well, nudging is why the good lord gave you elbows.
4. Sony Digital Recording Binoculars
If there’s anything more romantic than the ability to watch things from afar, it’s the ability to record that footage for posterity. The good news is that at $2,000, these binoculars are probably out of the realm of many Valentine’s Day budgets. The bad news is that with waterproof casing and up to 25x magnification, there’s no better gadget for standing creepily in the shrubbery outside.
If you do have some real cash to burn this holiday, $30,000 or so will get you a lifetime of creepiness. Born of the same sort of constant need for intimacy that gave rise to SNL’s creepily prophetic Love Toilet, the Yin-Yang is another step on the road to doing absolutely everything together.
It’s got sound-based massage and colored lights built in, making it the perfect $30,000 way of saying, “Darling, I’m terrified of being alone for even minutes at a time.”
In a long-distance relationship? Check out the TapTap, which is expected to hit the market in the summer. Squeeze the bracelet, and a partner wearing one will feel your embrace. It’s a bit less overbearing than, say, a pillow that glows along to your significant other’s distant heartbeat, but it does make us long for the days when phone calls and text messages were enough to get the point across.
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