Humanity confuses its loyalties and builds a shrine for that drowned security robot
Hey, fellow humans, I thought we were all on the same page here?
When news broke that a security robot mall-copping its way through the Washington Harbour gave up and drowned itself, we all rightly celebrated the admittedly small victory for mankind. Because, ya know, if drones are going to take our jobs they should at least be miserably toiling their mechanical lives away.
So why am I now finding out that you went and built this thing a shrine?
To make matters worse, you named the bot Steve? Steve?!
This is the memorial for Steve the drowned security robot outside our office on his charging pad. The future is weird. pic.twitter.com/Pb7KLay1VO
— Oliver Griswold (@originalgriz) July 19, 2017
Where to start.
First of all, this thing is not Steve. It's a Knightscope-brand K5, a robot equipped with "advanced anomaly detection," "forensic capabilities," and something called "autonomous presence." "Gun detection" is listed as "coming soon."
SEE ALSO: A security robot just drowned itself, so score one for mankind
And you don't want to make it or its ilk angry: Last summer a fellow Knightscope bot reportedly knocked a toddler to the ground before running him over.
Now, I know what you're thinking — maybe the toddler had it coming. But it doesn't really matter either way. Because, in its most basic sense, the K5 exists for the sole purpose of narcing out delinquent teens and chasing away any homeless person unlucky enough to try and panhandle a buck or two in the vicinity of the Washington Harbour shopping mall.
Our D.C. office building got a security robot. It drowned itself.
We were promised flying cars, instead we got suicidal robots. pic.twitter.com/rGLTAWZMjn— Bilal Farooqui (@bilalfarooqui) July 17, 2017
The K5 livestreams 360-degree video to mall cops too lazy for Segways, and records everything in its presence for your all-but-certain eventual prosecution in the upcoming robot tribunals.
And you made it a shrine?
I hate to break it to you, but anthropomorphizing the thing isn't going to help you in court.
Knightscope, meanwhile, is working to turn the inability of its "autonomous robot" to avoid a set of stairs into a PR boon. "I heard humans can take a dip in the water in this heat, but robots cannot," the company tweeted alongside a drawing of a K5 sporting American flag swim trunks. "I am sorry."
BREAKING NEWS: "I heard humans can take a dip in the water in this heat, but robots cannot. I am sorry," said K5 in an official statement. pic.twitter.com/nWC4tubv9w
— Knightscope (@iKnightscope) July 18, 2017
No, K5, you're not sorry.
And humanity shouldn't be sorry, either. Instead of building this thing a shrine, maybe our fellow flesh-bags of the Washington Harbour mall could try a different approach — like helping Steve's eventual replacement find a watery grave with a not-so-gentle shove.