18 Tips for Getting People to Notice Your Brand New Apple Watch
(LOOK AT ME. Photo: Associated Press)
1. Wear a shirt that leaves your wrist uncovered –– something like a tube top, or nudity.
2. Casually ask a co-worker if they have the time, and before they respond, say “OH WAIT LET ME CHECK MY WATCH.”
3. If someone tries to shake your hand, tell them that you only bump wrists now. If they ask why, call them a Luddite.
4. Go to bar trivia, and when the host announces that you cannot use smartphones or tablets, scream “WHAT ABOUT MY APPLE WATCH”
5. Book a last-minute flight, and when the flight attendant instructs passengers to power down electronics, scream “DO I NEED TO POWER DOWN MY APPLE WATCH”
6. “OH, I’M SORRY. DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED TO REMOVE MY APPLE WATCH,” you scream, returning through the metal detector at the airport.
7. Attend a magic show, and when the magician asks for a volunteer from the audience with a watch, stand up and shout “IS AN APPLE WATCH ACCEPTABLE FOR THIS TRICK BECAUSE I HAVE AN APPLE WATCH.”
8. At the grocery store, stand by the cheese sample station and continually eat samples of cheese, making sure you use your Apple Watch hand to grab the toothpicks. After a conspicuous amount of time, make solid eye contact with the cheese station guy and ask “NOW IS THERE ANYTHING OF MINE YOU WANT TO SAMPLE?”
9. Buy coffee at Starbucks, and when the barista asks for the name on the order, say “APPLE WATCH.” Then apologize: “SORRY, I MUST HAVE JUST BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY NEW APPLE WATCH. THE NAME IS ACTUALLY APPLE WATCH. OH, SORRY, NOT APPLE WATCH –– APPL…”
10. At happy hour tonight, spend a majority of your time in the bathroom with your sleeves rolled up, washing your hands. “YEP, THIS BABY’S WATER-RESISTANT UP TO 3 METERS.”
11. Go the movie theater, and when the pre-roll asks you to turn off all electronic devices, stand up: “THEY DIDN’T SPECIFICALLY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE APPLE WATCH SO I’M GOING TO KEEP MINE ON, THANKS EVERYONE.”
12. On a first date, when she asks what you do: “Well, I can track your steps, send and receive text messages, measure heartbeats –– oh, I’m sorry, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT MY APPLE WATCH.”
13. Tattoo your body with neon red arrows pointing to your wrist.
14. Subtly interweave references to your Apple Watch into your conversation. For example:
“Hey man, how are y––?”
“THE APPLE WATCH I AM WEARING COST ME SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS.”
15. Reach out to your friends to let them know you’re excited about your purchase:
YOU: “Yeah, I mean, the battery life is much better than I thought it would be. And having Siri on your wrist is going to make this thing a real category killer.”
THEM: “Sir this is 911, what is your emergency?”
16. Replace your TInder profile picture with a photo of your Apple Watch in front of your checking account and Magnises black card.
17. Buy a megaphone, and USE IT
18. Ignore the above: Don’t draw any special attention to your Apple Watch; only discuss it when it comes up organically in a conversation, or if your interlocutor notices and asks you about it.
18 (cont.). HAHA JUST KIDDING: SHOVE THAT GADGET RIGHT INTO THE SIGHTLINE OF WHOEVER YOU’RE TALKING TO AND DON’T MOVE YOUR WRIST UNTIL YOUR THROAT IS HOARSE FROM BRAGGING
