10 Ways to Be Very Bad at Facebook
(Image via Thinkstock, photo illustration by Daniel Bean)
Facebook is visited by about 890 million people every day, and I’m willing to bet that number includes the majority of your family and friends. Such a high volume of people, by default, means Facebook is not the coolest place to be. But it is a place for communication, nonetheless. And — let’s face it — that communication could be greatly improved.
I know this because Facebook is the baseline fodder for my everyday gossip mill. I pose wildly uninformed predictions of what’s happening in a person’s life based on stray posts, watch like a hawk for any updates indicating that my social circle is collectively aging, and audibly gasp anytime I see an accidental glimpse of a person’s tragic inner self.
It is 2015, and we are all our own publicists. And if Facebook is any indication, we’re all pretty bad at it.
Below, a list of the most offensive possible stuff you could do to make everyone hate you on Facebook. Brace yourselves, friends, you’re most certainly all offenders.
1. Entwine yourself in a rabid, political argument.
(Via College Humor)
When you see someone ranting and raving about a political issue on a street corner, you usually avert your eyes and keep walking.
You should apply that same logic to any politically slanted rant you see on Facebook. Avert your eyes and keep scrolling.
It is very rare that someone posts an opinion on Facebook because they want to hear a fair and balanced rebuttal to it. Don’t get engulfed in a flame war just because you imagine you can get your Aunt Gertrude to abandon her deeply-ingrained homophobia. Those conversations, though always horrible and occasionally necessary, would be best discussed in person (or, at the very least, in private).
No matter which side you’re on, getting in a political comment fight on Facebook is pretty much the equivalent of being that raving person on a street corner, yelling into the void. The only difference is that a Facebook conversation can be screencapped — something that could potentially be used against you if you do actually turn out to be on the wrong side of history. Hear that, Willow Palin?
2. Post the same photo 678 times.
I screencapped this from my Mom’s Facebook. Sorry Mom.
Hey, that beach sunset from your Maui vacation is super pretty. I enjoyed looking at it for maybe a half a second! But half a second is where I max out. And if you force me to look at every single photo you took of that sunset, I will silently resent your Facebook presence until the end of time.
As a Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer once told me, “I get annoyed when people post 10 pictures of their cat when one would’ve been enough.” Take it from a guy who photographed the Vietnam War, and scale it back a bit.
3. Earnestly announce a life milestone.
People get promotions. They get married. They have kids. And there’s nothing wrong with letting your social circle know that one of these Important Adult Events™ has happened to you. But there are a few eye-roll-inducing tropes you should avoid.
The announcement shouldn’t be longer than a paragraph. Avoid old introductory devices like “I’m humbled to announce…” or “It’s official.” Just come out with it: “I got a new job!” “I’m getting married!” “I’m gonna be a mom!” Express excitement, but avoid gushing. It’s easy to overdo it and sound like you’re bragging.
4. Brag about your eight-minute mile.
Never forget: The fat-shaming exercise mom. (Via Facebook).
Along that same line of thinking, nothing will make you more hated than bragging about what great shape you’re in. Ask yourself: In sharing this information, what are you aiming to accomplish? Admiration? Congratulations? The attention your parents never gave you as a child? This is the number one Facebook status that will make you a target of your friends’ armchair psychoanalysis. You’ve been warned.
5. Remind us how healthy and loving your relationship is.
It may very well be that you have fallen so deeply in love that you feel inspired to shout it from the digital rooftops. But don’t. For one, studies show that everyone hates happy couples on Facebook. For another, bragging about your great relationship is the number one sign to everyone with the slightest bit of emotional intelligence that you are actually insecure about it. And besides: If it turns out your boo is just another summer fling, you might actually need some people to be your friends afterward.
6. Publish thinly-veiled posts that are obviously aimed at someone you’re feuding with.
There’s no better way to encourage people to gossip about your personal life than to publicly post a status that is directed at a forlorn friend or a romantic interest. Unless you are Taylor Swift (if you are: HEY GIRL, I’M A HUGE FAN), I would advise against drawing this category of attention.
7. Spam everyone with invites to play FarmVille.
Games like Candy Crush and FarmVille are probably the closest legal thing to a virus that you can come by. Connect your Facebook account, and these games will do their best to pry their way into the lives every vague acquaintance, one-time colleague, and former love interest in the history of your life. The worst part: It’s all based on your inability to resist asking random people for more lives. Just avoid connecting your account altogether. It’s better to keep the way you waste time on the down low anyway.
8. Randomly IM people from your past with a vague “What’s up?”
(Via Awkward Facebook)
It could very well be that you have harbored a deep fascination with someone you met in high school, and — as soon as you became Facebook friends — you were given the ability to speak to them directly through the website’s chat feature. But before you do, ask yourself this: Did you ever really have a relationship with this individual in the first place? Do you have anything of substance to say to him or her? On a scale from 1 to 10 (one being normal, 10 being creepy as hell), how strange would it be if you just walked up and spoke to this person while you were in high school?
If your number is anything other than 1, step away from the keyboard.
9. Like a person’s profile photo from six years ago.
(Via Awkward Facebook).
Unless you want someone to know you’re doing a deep dive on their profile (aka you are romantically interested), do not click through 20 images of a person’s face and then make your stalking known by publicly liking a photo taken more than two weeks ago. Any seasoned member of Facebook will know that there’s no way you could’ve found that photo in your social feed. No, you got there by clicking through dozens of photos. Everyone does it, but no one actually wants to know when it’s happening to them.
10. Participate in a viral/boring meme that requires you to challenge other people in order to keep it alive.
(Via Awkward Facebook).
Three words: Ice Bucket Challenge. No.
This, my friends, is all I can really say to help you. You will no doubt still have your hiccups, but I implore you to take some of this advice and aim to be less horrible than usual on Facebook. Godspeed.
Follow Alyssa Bereznak on Twitter or email her.
