Don't Be This Person on Cinco de Mayo

Rachel Tepper Paley
May 5, 2014

Skies may be clear where you live this Cinco de Mayo, but a different sort of (not-so-natural) disaster stalks the city streets. We’re talking about those hard-partying guys and gals who use the holiday as an excuse to pound tequila.

The Onion parodies the phenomenon as only The Onion can in their faux coverage of “Hurricane Ashley,” a “screaming whirlwind of drunkenness” whose rampage of mascara-smeared awfulness is already well underway.

"Her Cinco de Mayo plans, combined with all the recent drama with Scott, have created perfect conditions for Hurricane Ashley to cause a lot of damage this afternoon and well into the evening," warns the newscaster. "Experts recommend staying inside your house or car until the disturbance passes, avoiding eye contact, and not even getting into it with her right now, OK?”

For a drama-free Cinco de Mayo, keep a lookout tonight for Ashley and other similarly stormy personalities (male or female, because being a hot mess isn’t gender specific).

[via The High Definite]