See What Happens When a Guy Tries to Do Fancy Pinterest Braids
By: Frank Kobola
Courtesy Kathleen Kamphausen
I don’t have any sisters, and I’ve never had an urge to go all Vidal Sassoon on my girlfriend’s hair. The only thing I know about bobby pins is that women shed them and, based on the frequency with which they tumble out of their hair and nestle into my carpet, women also produce them naturally.
So I am really, really out of my element when it comes to braiding. Perhaps more than ever before. A lot of the how-to guides I was following made bold assumptions about my level of competency. More than one guide considered “and then you do a French braid” a step. I don’t know how to French braid. As far as I’m concerned, that should’ve been eight other steps. These braids were way too complicated for someone like me, who only knows how to make knots. Still, for some reason my coworkers volunteered to let me destroy their hair (curling irons were banned).
Also, hair is dumb.
Related: 17 Mesmerizing GIFs of How to Create Every Braid You’ve Ever Been Obsessed With
1. Waterfall Braid
Courtesy www.mysoulisthesky.com and Kathleen Kamphausen
Having me start off with a waterfall braid despite literally never attempting a braid before is like throwing me into the middle of the ocean, tossing me a life preserver, and then shooting me in the face with a harpoon gun. I had to learn about three different things at the same time and apply them all in about five minutes. I didn’t apply shit. I had a braid going and then it all fell apart completely, like sand through my fingers. Or, also appropriately, like hair through my fingers because how the hell does anyone even do anything with hair?
The worst part was that, much like a lot of my other garbage projects, I probably could’ve fixed this with a hot glue gun, but apparently I’m not allowed to glue things to coworkers’ heads, even their own hair (which is technically already there).
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2. Bubble Ponytail
Courtesy Kathleen Kamphausen
I thought ponytails would be easy. You just grab a bunch of hair and tie it off, and you’re on your way. But my first ponytail ever looked like Brooke got her stuck in the spools of some kind of factory equipment. Also, apparently there’s a technique to brushing so you get that bubble effect but I don’t even own a brush. Combs for life.
3. Upside-Down Braid Bun
Courtesy Kathleen Kamphausen
Here’s a quick question regarding this hairstyle: Why? There’s too much going on and it’s trying too hard. I totally made a legit braid and then I don’t know what happened. I twisted some hair around and then my editor Emma looked like the weird girl in elementary school. I guess that’s my special: the weird girl haircut. Still, there was hope for me yet: I could kind of make a braid.
Related: 12 Ways You’re Applying Your Hair Products Wrong
4. Shoelace Braid
Courtesy Kathleen Kamphausen
I can tie a shoe. I realize no one will believe I even have basic motor skills after my last three atrocities, but I promise. I can tie a shoe. Considering I just started braiding an hour ago, I thought I sorta pulled this one off.
5. The Elsa Braid
Courtesy Kathleen Kamphausen
Frozen, motherfuckers. Y’all caught on way too strong and now I’m stuck trying to do this braid and literally nothing is happening. I did learn that you shouldn’t hold hairspray so close to hair or else it just winds up getting it super wet. I mean, I’ll never use hairspray again in my life, but that’s a thing I know now.
I’m sorry, hair. I am a garbage person.
More from Cosmopolitan.com:
The 11 Most Terrifying, Confusing Braids of All Time
16 Ways to Wear Braids Like a Boss
12 Hairstyles That Killed the Side Braid
