Honey, you are not ready for this newly unearthed Kellyanne Conway lewk. This is MTV's True Life: How Many Different Versions of Kellyanne Conway Are There? and you thought you knew but you have no idea.
I don't even know how to adequately prepare you for this new KAC. Honestly, I thought last week's couch-sitting escapade was peak Kellyanne. Such a fool I was back then. So young, so innocent, so insured. But this is a new week and with it, courtesy of a profile in my favorite digest, NorthJersey.com, comes a KAC lewk that has to be seen to be believed.
Here she is world! Ready or not, here comes Kellyanne!
Did you see it?
To the left, behind her arm...
On the table...
In front of the bride and groom statuettes...
EVERYTHING'S COMING UP CONWAY! THIS TIME FOR ME!
Who knew that this side of Kellyanne was just chilling in plain sight. We thought we'd been given the full Conway experience, but that was just an alternative fact. This lewk, however, is a revelation. I'm shook. Why are you hiding this vision, KAC?
This is not just a lewk, this is every lewk. This lewk just captured the attention of every microwave in the country.
And what a perfect time! Kellyanne is currently being welcomed back to the morning TV circuit with oddly open arms after weeks of blatant lies and Ivanka Trump infomercials. We all thought she was done for but we didn't know she had this "Maid Marian from Robin Hood visits a Sears Portrait Studio" brilliance up her sleeve.
Surely she strolled into CNN last Sunday, was stopped by security, as usual, and-with a sly smile-withdrew three personally autographed 8x10 photographs of her giving you velour hoodie realness. All the gates at the CNN Tower must have flown open at once, allowing her to ascend to the studio, sit on her knees in a chair before a camera, and pull out her dream journal to find ideas about what she was going to tell the American people today.
Kellyanne Conway is not trying to deceive you, America. She's trying to let you in on the Ambien-induced magical realist fantasy scape through which she frolics in her dreams.
Every morning she wakes with a blood-curdling scream, casts a look at her "Sexy Emperor Palpatine" cosplay hood, and grabs her journal to scribble down notes before they disappear into the ether. "A wire that taps itself..." she writes. "A microwave that videotapes you like that creepy guy from Love, Actually and makes you your favorite foods as a secret message... A healthcare plan that is trying to kill you... An executive order that invites the Executive Branch to dismantle itself leaving the American people defenseless against the ruthless aggression of Breitbart Bane... A cloud made from cotton candy..."
But you know what isn't a dream? THIS.
This is the realest. This is giving me Kim Basinger in L.A. Confidential meets Madonna's Music album cover with a smidge of Ray of Light.
It just goes to show you, you never know who's got a RenFaire film noir glamour shot just chilling in their living room. You just never know (but the television knows and is reporting back to the NSA about it, so...).
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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