John Waters on the True Meaning of Xmas, Holiday Faux Pas, and Why Everyone Should Give Johnny Depp a Break
Photo courtesy of John Waters
We’re officially into the holiday season, which means John Waters is putting on his best tailored blazer and hitting the road for his annual Christmas spectacular. America’s favorite cult filmmaker (Hairspray, Serial Mom, Cry Baby) and beloved “Pope of Trash” has been delivering this stand up routine over 20 years now. Plowing through one-liners like a rhinoceros in a jewelry store, and doing his absolute best to infuse America’s most cherished holiday with as much smut and irreverence as he possibly can. He’s even gone so far as to release what is now a staple in certain homes, “A John Waters Christmas,” a compendium of remakes, or perhaps more accurately, stabs, at the season’s most innocent, cherished carols. Trust us, it’s definitely worth a listen, but don’t say we didn’t warn you. You might not listen to the classics the same way again.
We were lucky to catch up with him on the phone and fired off a round of questions. Read on as Waters waxes on the worst (and best) holiday styles, tips on how to make it through your own holiday party, he even flat out told us which present he’s most looking forward to receiving. Friends of John Waters: don’t let him down!
Yahoo Style: Hi John! So excited to be speaking with you. Let’s dive right in, because we all know you’re very busy this time of year.
John Waters: I hope I’m not talking so fast where I sound like The Chipmunks. I’m like a speed freak on the phone.
YS: Not at all, but that would be fitting! First off, and this is quite a burning issue all around the world: when texting or emailing people, do you type Xmas or spell out Christmas?
JW: Xmas. I don’t usually do short hand, but I like Xmas. It’s like “who put the X in Xmas?. It’s got a porn thing, like, “I saw mommy blowing Santa,” or whatever. Xmas is great.
YS: So it’s safe to assume that your Christmas show is not PG-rated.
JW: The John Waters Christmas tour is certainly not for folks under 18, unless they’re already completely out of their minds and with parents who’ve trained them well.
YS: Okay good to know. Next question. What classic holiday story would you most like to reinterpret on film?
JW: I always thought I could do a movie on the gay reindeer Prancer. If you want to talk about burning questions, is Santa a bear? Is Mrs. Claus his Significant Otter? I don’t know. Is Christmas gay now?
YS: Speaking of leading ladies. Which Hollywood lady does Holiday style best?
JW: The best are the Johnny Mathis singers. All those women wore their best Christmas corsages. So I’m for that. Do you think Anna Wintour has ever worn a Christmas corsage?
YS: No…maybe?
JW: I think they need to bring that back, an ironic version of that.
YS: We’ll run an editorial on Xmas Corsages right away. The next burning question: What should a woman never wear to a holiday party?
JW: A maternity tube top.
YS: Who are your favorite guests for the holidays?
JW: Well, I have a Christmas party every year [in Baltimore]. I’ve been doing it for around 45 years. Everybody comes, from Mink Stole to the guy with the singing asshole from Pink Flamingos (who by the way is now in his 60s), to the mayor and the governor. I love it when their security staff comes and scopes out the house beforehand. It’s always a treat.
YS: So what’s your drink of choice at these parties?
JW: If I’m going to make it through my party, I drink a very, very weak vodka cocktail, around 20 of them, with like one drop of vodka in each of them, so I can last through the night.
YS: So since you’re relatively sober all night, I’d guess you’ve never made a massive holiday party faux pas?
JW: In my early days of throwing the party, it wasn’t catered, people were always puking, throwing presents out the window if they didn’t like them, and I always showed a hideous movie. One year I showed this movie about a guy who fell in love with a pig and then ate him, I think it was called “Pig Pen?” That might be considered a holiday faux pas to some, but it certainly wasn’t to my guests.
YS: I’m getting a lovely visual. How about other memorable moments?
JW: Well when the police used to come, that was always kind of memorable. They would come in and look bewildered at the guest list. They didn’t arrest anybody; they just looked around in alarm. This was before the governor started coming. This is back in the day when most of the guests were mostly just criminals. Now I have criminals and the governor.
YS: If you were to make up your own holiday, what would it look like/be called?
JW: Well I think the tooth fairy has not been honored enough, so I think we should have Tooth Fairy Day. I used to tell kids that if they left their tooth for the Tooth Fairy, they’d get a hairdo the next day. They later told me they’d wake up in horror and immediately reach up to feel their hair. I think we could tie this holiday in with beauty parlors and candy companies and make this work!
YS: What’s the best type of Xmas gift?
JW: It’s always books. Especially if it’s by an author you love, but a book you never knew they wrote. And it’s a first edition. That to me would be the best present.
YS: And the worst?
JW: Soundtracks to movies I hate. Like the Forrest Gump soundtrack wouldn’t last long in my house.
YS: Tossed out the window at one of your parties perhaps. How about the fact that they’re playing Xmas music around Halloween these days?
JW: I’m all for it on Halloween, ‘cos it’s scary.
YS: How would you spend your days if you weren’t an artist or filmmaker?
JW: I would be a criminal defense lawyer, and I would spend Christmas Eve trying to get somebody off the electric chair.
YS: Okay, last question: You’re pals with Johnny Depp. Any thoughts on his recent drunken appearance at the Hollywood Film Awards?
JW: I saw it, and I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. He didn’t come out with guns or anything. It was a low celebrity news day if that caused a stink.
The John Waters Christmas Tour kicks off at the Great American Music Hall in San Francisco on November 29th
