Downtown Los Angeles (Photo: Shutterstock)
L.A. is sort of an anti-city, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love visitors. We do. We know you want to come and see the Hollywood sign and shop Rodeo and hang out on our beaches.
But we have feelings, too — contrary to what science says — and there are few things that annoy us worse than the following. So be mindful of us Angelinos when you visit. Trust me, our egos are fragile.
1. Move here from New York and then talk about how you miss New York
We get it, we get it. You’re from New York, right? And their public transportation is the best! And you miss the energy of Manhattan. That rush! God, it’s just the best, isn’t it! And the culture! L.A. can’t compare. Not to mention the theater. New York has Broadway!
Sounds like a case of Stockholm syndrome to us.
Bikers at the beach (Photo: Ibon Cano/Flickr)
L.A. isn’t New York. It’s L.A.. And we have 300 days of sunshine, the best coastline in America, world-class shopping, and a ton of gays. And how many times did you actually go to the theater anyway? That’s what we thought.
Stop comparing us to New York. We don’t want to be New York. We don’t try to be New York. And we know when New Yorkers are getting sneezed on in the subways and exiting into 30-degree windstorms, they’re dreaming of sipping cocktails in Malibu.
2. Name drop
The world famous Hollywood sign. (Photo: Shutterstock)
This goes for tourists and locals alike: standing in line and hearing about how you “know” the producer of “Teen Wolf,” or you were at a party with that one guy from “Girls,” is insufferable. Seriously. You’re in line for a burrito at Chipotle. You’re not fooling anyone.
3. Suddenly Love the Lakers
(Photo: Getty Images)
Don’t be a front-runner. The Lakers are our Yankees, and we know it’s fun to root for a winner, but moving here from Philly and suddenly sporting a yellow and purple Lakers fitted is just going to piss us off. And worse, it’s going to piss off Philly.
4. Call Us a ‘Glorified Suburb’
Los Angeles is a city in every sense of the word. We can go toe-to-toe with any world-class city in terms of food, shopping, landmarks, and, yes, even culture. We just happen to be spread — really spread out — and that suburban quality makes living here a breeze. But just because we don’t have skyscrapers and honking yellow cabs doesn’t mean we’re “just a suburb.”
5. Dress Like You ‘Think’ People From Hollywood Dress
I once saw a girl from Saudi Arabia strutting down Sunset. She was wearing a silver pleated dress with Chanel shades, wine-colored lipstick, Louboutins, and a turban on her head. This was on a Tuesday. Afternoon. And then I saw her grab a cart and walk into a Ralph’s.
People! Not everyone in L.A. is a fashion icon and you don’t have to dress like you’re going to the VMAs just to do your routine grocery shopping. Relax.
6. Stare at the ground on Hollywood & Highland
A tourist snaps a picture (Photo: Waltarrr/Flickr)
Dear all fanny-pack wearing, camera-toting tourists on Hollywood Boulevard: Please stop staring at the ground in front of the Peter Falk star on the Walk-of-Fame. You are creating mass hysteria and clogging the sidewalks. Take your smiley photos and move along. You don’t own the stars.
7. Selfies while driving
As if driving in L.A. wasn’t bad enough, now we see out-of-towners in their rental cars taking selfies while driving. It’s worse than texting. Worse than vehicular make-up application. Seriously. Seflies in L.A. are an epidemic and selfies while driving could be deadly.
8. Compare our Mexican food to San Francisco
(Photo: La Casita Mexicana/Facebook)
We take our Mexican food seriously. La Casita Mexicana is the best in the country. Guelaguetza is a close second. Babita is delicious. And yet, inevitably, some dude from Berkeley has to go and say, “There’s this unknown taqueria in the Mission that’s way more authentic.”
9. Take up a whole lane with your bike
(Photo: Fig for All/Flickr)
We’re chill here in LA. But not that chill. This is still a car city and no matter how laid-back, it’s never OK to take up an entire lane with your bike. Do it and we’ll take a selfie of ourselves running you over.
10. You still think anything east of Hollywood is still dangerous
This one is important because L.A. isn’t just Hollywood anymore. The east side is L.A.’s hipster ‘hood, and they’ve transformed it into a mecca of cool. Anyone not hanging out in East L.A. is missing one of the city’s most vibrant neighborhoods. And stop acting like it’s still dangerous. You should be more afraid of the $12 organic, grass-fed, cold-pressed juice than by the street gangs.
11. Shopping for clothes you can’t afford
You strut down Robertson and into Ralph Lauren, try on $4,000 worth of clothes, take them up on the Champagne and the Fiji water, and then leave without buying anything.
12. Pronounce Sepulveda the wrong way
If you don’t know how to pronounce it, we can’t help you.
Kenny Porpora has been a writer for The New York Times, New York Daily News, and Newsday, and has been an editor for The Huffington Post. He joined Man About World as an editor in 2012.