Gwyneth Paltrow Says It’s About Time “Someone Brought a Sausage to the Clam Bake” of Lifestyle Brands

Britt Aboutaleb
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Last week, Stephen Colbert announced he was finally turning himself into a brand, after being inspired by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, Reese Witherspoon’s Draper James, and the $95 artisanal wooden crates Blake Lively’s selling via her own lifestyle site, Preserve. After the launch of Colbert’s Covetton House, Snoop Dogg threw his own hat—or pipe—into the ring, with the launch of Merry Jane, a sort of Goop for weed, he promised.

And no one’s more thrilled about the new additions to this increasingly weird space than Paltrow, the OG lifestyler. Lest you think the pitch perfect Paltrow lacks a sense of humor—because most of America does—she’s put together six tips for her new colleagues that will make you laugh out loud—and blush bright red.

The Oscar-winning actress has some content advice for the newcomers. How about a post on man-buns titled, “The Panty Dropper of Hairstyles?” She adds, “You can easily stretch [it] into a six-part slideshow (six times the pageviews!), complete with product integration. Goop tip: We style ours with Psssssst Dry Shampoo and Abilene oil from sharks.“ Paltrow also recommends integrating food advice, since everyone is so health crazed at the moment. “We’re thinking pot-infused compound butter to melt over grilled grass-fed ribeyes and weed-based protein powder for breakfast shakes. Extra points if you grow your own organic grass!”

It’s the sixth and final tip, however, that will make even diehard haters admit that Paltrow might be kind of fun to hang out with.

6. Embrace your babymaker.

Everyone goes WILD for content about genitals, so we suggest you get ahead of the curve and write about a growing craze among men, anal bleaching. Colbert, we think this is one that will really hit home for you, both personally and professionally. We test all of our recommendations ourselves before we publish, and any content site worth its weight must do the same. Head to Face to Face, the men’s day spa in NYC and sign yourself up for the “New Ringtone.” Gentle fruit acids will be applied to your balloon tie to lighten you up! You just might cause a sensation in the media (great for growing your subscriber base) and you certainly will cause one in your pants.

Read the whole thing, at Goop (and then buy yourself a gold-plated juicer).