Everyone Talking About Quitting Coffee Is Angry-Making

Alex Van Buren
Food Features Editor
February 5, 2014

Photo credit: StockFood

It’s been a while, dear reader, since there’s been a proper rant on this site. At least a week. Super sorry about that. 

Happily enough, we just read something that worked us up into a caffeinated rage—one to make a gal clutch her morning cup of coffee so hard she puts a dent in it.

A well-meaning post (from the aptly named Philly blog BeWellPhilly) titled “5 Awesome Things that Happened When I Quit Coffee” is what did the trick. Those “Awesome Things” contain infuriating statements like “I get real sleep” and “I’m more relaxed.”

Let’s take an underslept, jittery moment to debunk some of the statements contained therein:

Almost two months ago, I decided to quit caffeine. To some, this might not seem like a big deal.

Incorrect. It’s a huge deal. Are you gonna start exclusively drinking herbal tea, or something? What are you doing with your LIFE?

Even though I still sleep the same number of hours per night, I am able to fall asleep almost instantly, and I wake up feeling more human than zombie.

Coffee addicts know that tossing-and-turning sensation intimately, and many have an intake cutoff point of 3 p.m. so that they can get a good night’s rest. But “foxy zombie” is a fashion statement, and it’s one we’re willing to rock.

You know that jittery feeling normal people get after one cup too many? That was me—all the time. I was crazy-eyed, restless, and talked faster than I could think.

Some people call that “being Type A.” Or “being a New Yorker.” Is there SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?

I dropped five pounds in three weeks by doing nothing other than drinking less coffee and more water.

We can’t even.

In the past month, I’ve had more energy than ever from normal stuff, like sleep, water and exercise. The best part? No 3 pm crash.

Mid-afternoon crashes only mean it’s time for a cookie break. Do we have to spell this out for you?

Kicking the habit wasn’t easy, but when results are this good, it’s worth it.

In all seriousness, yes, it’s a good idea to give bad habits a break sometimes (and at times it’s mandatory for a body’s health). Booze. Sugar. Carbs. We get you. But this article spun us into a mad panic. 

Our coffee is going nowhere.