Like the Duchess of Cambridge, I've struggled to be the 'perfect' parent
Having spent all afternoon trying to persuade my three year-old daughter, Lala, to put her coat on so she could enjoy the fresh air in the local park before cooking a dinner stuffed full of her five vegetables a day and reading an educational story before bed, it’s a relief to learn that even women like the Duchess of Cambridge struggle with the challenges of motherhood.
While I can’t imagine that she collapses, drained on the sofa, at the end of every evening, discarded like yesterday’s news as soon as Daddy arrives home, it’s a comfort to know that mothers from every echelon of society battle with the pressure to be a perfect parent.
Private school and an Oxbridge education drilled perfectionism into me from an early age but since I’ve had my daughter, my anxiety levels have soared. I worry about everything for Lala and often feel like everybody else is doing better than me. From walking to talking, I’ve been mindful of every developmental milestone she might have hit or missed and now she’s turned three and started to exhibit a mind of her own, I’ve added anxiety about her personality and her popularity to the mix.
There are days when I know I’m falling short of any kind of standards, let alone the impossibly high ones I’ve set myself
My unconditional love for her extends into a fierce dedication for wanting the best for her; I want her world to be full of parties and play-dates and for everyone to love her as much as I do. If that doesn’t happen, as her mother I feel like it’s my fault.
But if I’m completely honest, it’s not just Lala’s progress as a child that I worry about; it’s mine as a parent too. As I’ve put my career as an insurance broker on pause to devote myself to being a stay-at-home mother, I feel there’s an extra pressure on me to get motherhood right. While I’m sure every parent wants to do their best for the child, spending my days as Lala’s primary caregiver places an extra burden of responsibility on me.
Being a stay-at-home mum means the buck stops with me when it comes to making sure she’s eating the right foods, reading the right books and playing the right games and it’s a heavy weight to bear.
Having given up my job to take care of Lala also means that my sense of identity has become inextricably linked with hers; as I no longer have a career to define me, some days my contribution to society seems solely based on whether or not she’s thriving. And because I’ve made the active decision to put other facets of my life on hold to raise her, I find it hard to admit there are days when I feel overcome by boredom and frustration and I don’t enjoy being a mother at all.
My sense of identity has become inextricably linked with hers; as I no longer have a career to define me
I think that people think because this is the path that I’ve chosen and I’m privileged to have had that option, I’ve no right to complain about how hard it can be.
There’s also the implication that because I’ve chosen to be a stay-at-home mother, I’ve got to be naturally good at it as well. As someone who can’t cook, struggles to iron and doesn’t have my own mother, who died before my daughter was born, as a point of reference, there are days when I know I’m falling short of any kind of standards, let alone the impossibly high ones I’ve set myself.
There are days when I feel overcome by boredom and frustration and I don’t enjoy being a mother at all
Hearing the Duchess of Cambridge admit that even she felt overwhelmed and has struggled with a lack of confidence in her abilities makes me realise that although my daughter is unique, nothing I feel about her is. That’s the great conspiracy of motherhood – the idea that, from the moment your husband goes back to work and resumes his normal life, you’re in it on your own.
Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. From your friends and family to the other mothers at the swings and even the waitress in the café you drag your pram to for a caffeine hit everyday, there’s help available, even in the most unlikeliest of corners. You just have to be brave enough to ask.
