7 Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship
By Jillian Kramer
Dictionary.com defines “toxic” as “acting as or having the effect of a poison.” From experience, I can say being in a toxic relationship is like taking a shot of battery acid every day: The drink itself burns, but the single dose isn’t enough to kill you—it’s only after weeks or months of this poisonous diet that you realize you’ve destroyed your stomach lining and your faith in love. In all seriousness, science has shown that being in a toxic relationship can lead to real health problems, from disturbed sleep to an increased risk of heart failure. So avoid the emotional and physical turmoil by identifying a toxic relationship, so you can the heck out of it. Here’s how.
Someone’s keeping score. Whether you know, for a fact, without a doubt, that this is the sixth time in two months that he’s shown up late, or he refuses to forget that time you tossed his favorite pair of pants into the Goodwill pile, the only place a scoreboard belongs is above a sports field. If one of you is keeping score of good deeds or wrongdoings, chances are you’re in a toxic relationship.
He makes you feel stupid. A romantic partner should build you up, not tear you down. That person should never make you feel bad about your interests, beliefs, or hobbies. I once asked a boyfriend if he’d join me at a haunted house—and his response was to ask me why I liked such sh—ty things. Let me be the first to surprise you with how that relationship ended: I moved on, and fast.
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He can’t take responsibility. When you fight, is your partner able to admit his part? Or is his only admission that you made him angry? In a healthy relationship, both people can take a step back and see how they contribute to its successes and failures—no one person is to blame. The inability to shoulder responsibility, in my humble opinion, is the mark of an emotionally immature person.
Someone is constantly threatening to end things. One or both of you live in fear that the smallest argument or crisis will cause the other to leave. For example, rather than saying, “It bothers me when you’re late,” you say, “I can’t be with someone who can’t show up on time.” People should be able to express negative thoughts and feelings in a way that doesn’t cause a commitment crisis.
Name-calling is normal. The only names you should call your significant other are those on that person’s birth certificate and terms of endearment. If your guy uses words or unflattering terms to unconsciously or purposely hurt you, that’s toxic behavior you’re better off without. And if you’re prone to dropping a “you’re being a [insert explicative here],” it might be time to ask yourself why you use that language with someone you care about.
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He goes MIA. I’ll illustrate this point with a personal example. The same ex who felt it was OK to put down my interests also thought after a spat, he could ignore me for three days straight, then pick up as if we’d never had a fight. For all I knew, he’d moved to Timbuktu—and when I realized he simply went ghost on his girlfriend whom he said he loved, I wished he actually had.
You aren’t allowed to grow. Fact: People change. Over time, we learn new things about ourselves and life, and our dreams and goals and even opinions shift. That’s OK. And it’s important to be with someone who’s both willing to accept those changes and grow too. In a toxic relationship, a guy will try to hold you back and hold your personal growth against you. Don’t let him; leave and grow on instead.
What are some other signs of a toxic relationship? Have you ever been in one? How did it make you feel, and how did you deal with it?
photo: Kate Powers
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