Nope, you’re not born knowing this stuff — but if you’re a mom, you’ve probably figured out by now that there are certain laws of the universe that are fixed and unavoidable. Don't even try to wiggle out of these: gravity, Murphy's Law and the entire subcategory of laws of the universe about kids and colds.
If you’re not a mom, um, well — spoiler alert.
1. There will be snot everywhere
And it will cease to gross you out. In fact, you’ll find yourself nodding like a top pathologist at the CDC as your 5-year-old explains in great gory detail just what blew out of his nose on the school bus this morning. You won't blink an eye later, either, when the same thing flies out of his nose and lands on your arm.
2. Hand sanitizer alone will never cut it during cold season
Look, we're just as addicted to hand sanitizer as you are. But we all need to face facts: Kids’ hands have too many crevices, and germs love a good top-down convertible ride. Surrender now. Cultivate your inner Zen during cold season. Accept that fact that even if you bathed your wee ones in a brimming bathtub of hand sanitizer each night, some nasty cold would find a single pore to claim as its own.
3. Your cold will be 100 times worse than theirs
When you catch their cold — which you will — it will be approximately 10 to 100 times worse than theirs. If they are sniffling, you will wind up snuffling like a congested warthog. If they are sneezing little achoos, your massive, disgusting sneezes will be evacuating entire malls. If they are coughing, you will be hacking up actual slimy chunks of your own lungs. Congrats, you overachiever.
3. Your child will never achieve the perfect attendance award at school
Mark our words: NO ACTUAL CHILDREN WIN PERFECT ATTENDANCE AWARDS, ONLY ROBOTS. Real children get sick, no matter how much sleep or organic kale or brisk, informative hikes through national parks they get. So if you have a sick kid who's missed two weeks of school? At least you know yours wasn't switched with a robot at birth. That's something.
4. Kids' colds have the best (and by best, we mean worst) timing
Don’t believe us? Here’s a fun test: Schedule a family reunion in Hawaii. Or a theme park trip that requires a second mortgage. Or go for broke and book that romantic never-taken-honeymoon you meant to have. Now? Pay for it. Pack the day before. Then... wait a few hours. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Better luck next vacation! And hey, now you know what travel insurance is for.
5. Kids bounce back fast... moms, not so much
Kids get slammed hard by colds, but somehow manage to recover, no worse for wear. But you? Oh, dear. Our condolences.
This post was sponsored by Vicks® VapoRub™.