Satire: President Trump negotiates with Iran

Future president Donald Trump takes a break from nuclear talks to sell memberships at Trump Turnberry Golf Club. (Photo: Ian MacNicol/Getty)

“They didn’t read ‘The Art of the Deal.’” —Donald Trump, on “Morning Joe,” referring to his 1987 best-seller, critiquing the treaty with Iran

So I called you here today because I think it’s important to get this deal signed. I mean important to you, I frankly don’t care that much. You’re talking atom bombs, we have the best atom bombs in the world — fantastic, incredible atom bombs. I had them all redone in bronze when I was elected, because we’re a world-class country, and let’s face it, gunmetal gray isn’t a very attractive color even for a 500-megaton weapon that could set your beard on fire from 250 miles away.

Which I’m not saying to threaten you. Because I don’t have to threaten you, that’s not how I negotiate. I understand your position. You’ve got all these centrifuges that are, basically, don’t take this the wrong way, they’re pieces of junk, and you need to get rid of them. So if you’re asking will we take them off your hands, the answer is yes, we will, if the price is right.

But I gotta tell you, I’m just not that impressed with what you’re offering. I could walk away from this deal right now and tomorrow I could buy all the uranium in Iran with what NBC paid me for one season. And then you know what I would do with it? I’d enrich it. Who knows more about enrichment than me?

I want to say something for your own good. Because I’m worried you might be thinking of going with Russia. Russia is for losers. And China is worse. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this, but I’ll say it anyway because I like to speak my mind. I heard this from someone very, very high up in the government. I don’t want to say who. But he told me, China is a total joke.

Look, I love your country. You have some incredible ruins. Flying here, I saw at least three sites where I would love to put a world-class golf course and casino. And the Iranian people are my biggest fans. They love all the things the Trump name stands for: freedom, democracy, elegance, class, 10-foot-6 ceiling heights and granite countertops. I said to my vice president the other day, “Oprah, do you think I can be president of Iran and America at the same time?” Because I honestly think I could get elected here. “Celebrity Apprentice” has been on reruns for six years here, and it’s still the highest-rated program in the history of Iranian television.

So look, we’ve been negotiating all morning. I’ve closed deals for some of the most expensive, luxurious apartments in the world in less time. I’ve got a major golf tournament starting in a few hours. So if you want to make a deal, call my assistant and she’ll fax over a treaty. Secretary of State Hannity will handle the details.