'Why I'll Never Let My Children Go to a Sleepover'

Erin Merryn with her 6-month-old daughter. Photo: Miss Suzanne Photography/Suzanne Pesce

Erin Merryn was just six-years-old when she was molested and later raped by a friend’s uncle. She was 11 when her teenage cousin began sexually abusing her. Both crimes (which were ongoing) first occurred during sleepovers at other people’s homes. After years of silently enduring the abuse and shame, Merryn finally spoke up—in a major way. The Illinois native has written three books about her experience and in 2010, she created Erin’s Law, which encourages schools to teach sexual abuse prevention (20 states have passed it; 21 are voting this year). Now 30, and a new mom to a six-month-old daughter named Abigail, Merryn opens up to Yahoo Parenting about how her dark past is shaping the way she parents.

What will be your biggest rule when it comes to protecting your children?

I told my husband before we even got married that our children will never spend the night at someone else’s house. In both cases, my abuse started at a sleepover. One while sleeping at my best friend’s house—it was her uncle who lived with them—and the other while sleeping at my grandparents’ condo. I woke up to my older cousin molesting me. Even if I educate my kids to speak up, there’s still a chance that this can happen and I’ll prevent it if I can.

What about sleepovers with family?

I’ve been struggling with this because you don’t want to insult your family but honestly, I won’t even let my kids spend the night at their aunts and uncles’ homes. I don’t care how well we think we know someone — both times I was abused by somebody I knew. There will be awkward conversations. How am I going to tell my sisters that my kids will never sleep at their houses? But you have to stick with what makes you comfortable.

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Any advice for parents who do let their children go to sleepovers?

Make sure you know both parents well. And find out whether anyone else will be in the house. Go to the home and see who else lives there. Another family member? A teenage boy? Adults are not the only perpetrators—my cousin was 14 and I was 11 when that abuse started. And don’t let your kids go until you’ve discussed safe and unsafe secrets. Here’s an easy script: ‘If anyone is touching you inappropriately and they don’t want you to tell [anyone], that is an unsafe secret and you tell someone immediately. If we’re not telling your sister what we got her for her birthday, that’s a safe secret.’ I don’t want you to put your kids in a bubble. I don’t want you to think there’s no one you can trust with your kids. Just educate them first.

When should you have the safe touch talk—and what should you say?

Bring it up as early as you can — when they’re in the bathtub or while you’re applying sunscreen. Use the swimsuit rule: ‘No one should ever touch the parts covered by your swimsuit. You tell mommy and daddy if someone does. It’s not just strangers who can hurt you. Sometimes it’s people you know and trust. You will not be in trouble, this is not your fault, you will be believed.’ The talk doesn’t have to be graphic or uncomfortable, just bring it up organically. And keep having it. You can’t have the conversation when they’re four and expect them to remember it when they’re 11. I recommend The Right Touch and The Swimsuit Lesson, both excellent children’s books on the subject.

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Any other deal breakers for you?

I will never have a male babysitter. Call me sexist but teenage boys don’t want to hang around little kids. They’re going through puberty, they’re curious, and you’re just putting one more risk factor in place.

Do you worry about how being an overprotective mom may affect your children?

I know I’m more extreme than others. I also know things may change as I have more kids and they get older. I’m sure I’ll let my children go to sleep away camp when they’re  older — I had a great time in camp and I wouldn’t want to take that away from them. But I would rather my kids be in therapy someday because their mother never let them go to a sleepover — not because they were abused by their best friend’s father. I have forgiven my perpetrators but I will always have trust issues.

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