Why I Never Had More Children After My Kids' Untimely Death

On October 18, 2010, Zoey Mendoza kneeled, tangled up in a hug with her children, Jada, 5 and Jordan, 3 before leaving them at daycare as usual. That day, the unspeakable happened — in an exclusive with Yahoo Parenting, Mendoza revealed her husband, Kurtis, killed their children that afternoon. Here, Mendoza opens up about life without her babies, her unsuccessful attempt at having more children, and the peace she found after remarrying and becoming a stepmom to three kids, ages 14, 17, and 20.

Zoey and her newborn baby girl, Jada. (All photos courtesy of Zoey Mendoza)

YP: Did you consider having another baby after Jada and Jordan passed? 

ZM: About a year after I lost my children — September 2011 — I decided that I wanted to try to bear another child. I felt like I still had so much mothering left in me. (But I had no interest in pursuing another relationship.) I had been through the in-vitro process prior with Jada, so I moved forward that way. I found out the day before my babies’ one-year anniversary of their deaths [that] I was not pregnant.

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YP: Did you give up on having another baby at that point? 

ZM: My friend suggested a GoFundMe Page to raise money so I could try in-vitro again. I didn’t love the idea of asking for help, but she set the page up on October 17, 2011. So many wonderful people donated to my cause — $20K was enough for two more rounds of in-vitro. In fact, there was a small amount of money left in the fund and in-vitro doctors donated more, so I could do a third try.

YP: As you gave yourself in-vitro hormone injections in the home you shared with your babies — did you think about them, or feel like they wanted you to move on this way?

ZM: [Through visits from my children after their death] I learned Jordan has always felt like our life together was not finished. He’s perfectly happy where he is now in Heaven, but he’s told me our love story on Earth wasn’t done. He wants to come back. They both came to me to help me move forward.

Photo: Zoey with her newborn, Jordan and proud big sister, Jada

YP: Do you believe in reincarnation and another baby might bring Jordan back to you? 

ZM: Sure, but I’m an infant when it comes to any knowledge about this and I think we get real concrete about how this works. Initially, in the early stages of my grief process, I loved the idea of reincarnation, and was hopeful that I would be able to see my children again. Christians believe in eternal life — you die and live in heaven. I met with Buddhists who talked to me about life after death. I exposed myself to many religions — and most religions believe, while your physical body dies — your soul does not. Part of my grief process was hoping that my baby boy would come back to me, or that I would recognize him in another person. I don’t yearn for children I don’t have — I yearn for Jada and Jordan.

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YP: I have to ask about how you feel seeing Jada and Jordan’s friends growing up. I often feel like I need to stifle myself and not bring up my son, Jack, who is Jordan’s age, when we talk. 

ZM: No, please never feel that way. It was important for me to see their friends. I am happy for their friends, but I do wonder what Jada would look like now or Jordan, missing two front teeth. In the beginning, their friends didn’t understand. “Where is Jada?” a child who lived next door would ask. All I could say was, ‘She’s not here now, but she loves you.’ I wanted to talk about them being in heaven and that it was OK to miss them. I discovered very early on, my grief is not at all related to other people’s happiness.

YP: You mentioned you didn’t want to pursue a life partner, but today you’re married to a wonderful man. How did you meet? Did he know about Jada and Jordan?

ZM: My friends were always good about letting people know I was coming and what my story was. My policy was that I wanted people to know ahead of time. Curt and I met at a casual party to watch a college football game in December 2011. It wasn’t love at first sight. I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I do remember meeting his dog Cooper! Curt asked about my kids and how I was doing, but I was buried in my phone texting (which he recalled!).

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YP: Did he pursue you?

ZM:  No, we didn’t see each other again until June, 2012 at another casual get-together. We exchanged phone numbers, but I was going through a hectic time. I was in the end stages of selling the townhouse I shared with Kurtis and my babies. He offered to come over to help me do things like, installing a fire extinguisher and touching up the walls. I realized this is a good guy. I was very appreciative. I didn’t feel like he was trying too hard, but it was a nice feeling to be taken care of again.

Photo: Zoey and her husband Curt

YP: Tell me about your first date?

ZM: I came up to his house and we went to a small Italian restaurant. I wasn’t going to play around, be casual or silly. After dinner we went back to his home and sat on the couch for three hours. I needed to be clear with him about what my life was about — no one really knows. You know the story, not the lows, the sadness, the anger — and that my life will get big, because I am going to share my story one day. I explained to him, I had plans to share Jada and Jordan with the world. And he was never intimidated by this.

YP: So dating went well after that disclosure? 

ZM: A lot of our courtship involved my babies. There were evenings I would go to his place for drinks, and we’d watch videos of my children. I wanted him to see Jada and hear Jordan’s voice. My kids had a wonderful life.

YP: Where were you with the GoFundMe page and in-vitro attempts when Curt came into your life? Was that awkward?

ZM: I was in the third and final round of in-vitro at the time and he was very supportive, accompanying me to doctor’s appointments, and helping me through my sadness when I was not able to achieve a pregnancy.

YP: When did he propose? 

ZM: He told me very early on he wanted to marry me. And he proposed six months into dating!

YP: How did he propose? 

Zoey and Curt hiking (Zoey Mendoza)

ZM: I was out food shopping and when I got home he asked me to come downstairs and see the basement that we were turning into a master suite. So I walked down there and found a maze of cards strung together on string. The cards described our love and at the end of the maze my engagement ring was on the string. It was very emotional.The sentiment and thought was something I didn’t expect.

YP: Where did you get married?

ZM: We had a small, backyard wedding. My friend filled up her iPod with music, we had the food catered — it was very simple.

YP: Another dynamic of your marriage was becoming a stepmom to three kids ages, 14, 17, and 20. After losing your own babies, how did you feel about that? 

ZM: My hands were shaking when I met Curt’s kids. His daughter gave me a big hug. They were all very welcoming. Jada and Jordan wanted me to find happiness in my life. I know they are with God, with me still and guiding my life.

YP: What is your relationship like with your stepkids? 

ZM: All of my step-children are older. They have been fully parented and are wonderful people. I have always approached my relationship with them as just being another adult role model in their life. I am maternal, but I am not their mom. I don’t compete on any level with their mom. We talk about Jada and Jordan a lot, and Curt has been amazing about honoring them every night during grace. We celebrate Jada and Jordan’s birthdays, and we send them love each year on October 18th. Curt, my stepchildren, and I are very aware of the many ways that God has lifted the veil and presented Jada and Jordan to us.

YP: Any more babies in the future for you and Curt? 

ZM: I didn’t want to go through any more rounds of in-vitro. My body is done having babies. I have been approached by several friends, one of whom had frozen fertilized eggs (from her own successful in-vitro). I know many people want me to have another baby. But Curt and I have had many long talks and we are both really happy where our lives are right now. We both feel tremendously fulfilled with our lives together as a family.

I fantasize all the time about how Jada and Jordan would fit into our family now. I see Jada obsessively following her big step-sister around, asking her to paint her nails, or wear her clothes. I see Jordan running in the backyard with our dog Cooper, shooting hoops with Curt and my 14-year-old step-son. Both Jada and Jordan would (and do) love Curt. They would both fight for his attention, want to be on his lap, help him build gardens, or tile the basement. Jada and Jordan would love going on hikes with us in the forest, helping me cook in the kitchen, taking us on “rock hunts” as Jada called her rock collecting obsession. I always envision my children tagging along with us, whatever we are doing.