When Should You Have the ‘Sex Talk’ With Kids? The Great Debate

One night when my son was 9, he asked me to explain the “science way” that babies are born. I was caught off-guard and exhausted from a long day. I told him to ask me again the next day, when I wasn’t so tired, thinking this would also give me a chance to formulate my thoughts.

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It turns out I shouldn’t have been so surprised by his question, especially given his age. While every parent knows they will one day have to talk about “the birds and the bees” with their kids, few of us are excited about it, let alone about when and how this conversation should take place. Perhaps that’s because we can get away with some pretty simple answers for years (“When two people love each other very much…”), given how little kids start out knowing about sex. But kids as young as 3 are able to discern that babies have to come from somewhere, so it’s a good idea to be prepared.

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Once kids reach school age, start interacting with other kids at the playground, or simply watch TV, information streams in, and mom and dad aren’t always there to mediate. Given all of these factors, when, exactly, is the best time to talk to your kids about sex?

What the research says

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 6 percent of kids under the age of 13 have already had sex, so if yours is approaching middle school and the subject hasn’t been discussed, you may have waited too long already.

Sociologist Sinikka Elliott has conducted research on the subject of kids, sex, and the role that parents play in shaping the information they receive. One study showed that most parents mistakenly think their kids aren’t interested in talking about sex, prompting them to forgo the conversation altogether until they no longer can — say, when the child finally brings it up himself or it’s taught in school. By this point most kids probably have formulated their own ideas, though they’re not necessarily accurate, putting parents in the position of having to not only confront the subject but also undo the effects of any misinformation received.

A joint study between O, the Oprah Magazine and Seventeen surveyed moms and girls ages 15 to 22 and discovered that even when parents talk to their kids about sex, they may not be disseminating enough information. The research found that girls don’t want only the nuts-and-bolts talk about sex, they want to learn more about the feelings that can come with it, Seventeen magazine editor in chief Ann Shoket told O: “What they really want their mothers to talk about is, ‘How do I know if this boy is just using me? How do I know if I’m ready for it?’ That’s the part where mothers play a huge role that the Internet or their friends just can’t do.”

What the experts say

The “big talk” is an outdated notion, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, which recommends having multiple conversations about sex rather than an all-or-nothing session — and starting as early as 5 years old. It suggests introducing books that approach sexuality on a developmentally appropriate level — a boon for parents who often have trouble finding the right words. If 5 seems too young, consider how you’d feel to find out your kindergartner heard it from another kid first instead of from you.

Children who grow up in families where sexuality is openly discussed are not just healthier and happier, they also postpone participation in a range of risky behaviors, including sexual activity, Deborah Roffman, author of Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-to” Person About Sex, told U.S. News & World Report. “Talking with your kids is protective … a buffer against what goes on around them.”

Sex therapist Laura Berman told O, the Oprah Magazine that parents should be calm when approached for information. Overreacting, she says, could make your child hesitant to come to you in the future. “Listen — don’t just lecture them,” she says. “[Encourage them] to ask questions about the words and the terms and the things they’re hearing about at school, to ask questions about what they’re seeing in the media.”

What the parents say

“Start talking when they start talking or asking about it, no matter how young they are. This means they are already talking about it with their friends. You’re really just choosing if you’re going to be part of the conversation.” —Richard Rey, Lakewood, Ohio

“Speak to them age-appropriately, factual and simple. My daughter asked me in third grade and I told her. At her school, they talk about puberty and sex at the end of fifth grade, so if you haven’t told them before, they will hear it at school.” —Maray Rodriguez, Miami, Fla.

“We had the conversation in second grade! I just answered his questions and told him to ask me if he had any more. I also said it’s each parent’s job to tell their own kid and not his.” —Bianca Hawkins, Richmond, Va.

The bottom line

Kids today know a lot more about sex than adults think they do. Consider disseminating the information slowly and age-appropriately, and try not to just assume kids will ask when they’re ready. Chances are, kids will hear it (incorrectly) from someone else first. When you think they’re old enough to discuss the details, bear in mind that your reaction to a child’s questions can shape the way he or she understands and feels about the concept of sex. So choose your words wisely.

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