What to Do — and Not to Do — When Your Child Doesn’t Like Her Teacher
When your child winds up with a problematic classroom placement, it’s important to help him or her be a self-advocate — and for you to take it to the next level through appropriate channels if necessary. (Illustration: Erik Mace/Yahoo Parenting)
As summer winds down and parental focus shifts from sunscreen to school notebooks, there’s a vague angst that lingers until a very specific moment: the arrival of those class-placement letters.
“The reason they come out the last day of August is to prevent all the agitation of, ‘Oh my God, I want my kid switched!’” Lori Day, an educational psychologist and consultant, tells Yahoo Parenting. “It happens every year.”
STORY: Single Dad Creates App to Help Discipline His 8-Year-Old Son
And as any parent who has even halfheartedly tried to get their child transferred from one class to another knows, the administration is loath to do it — not only because it sets a potentially disastrous precedent, but because, as Day explains, “it undoes all their hard work” of striving to create classes that are balanced in a range of ways, from gender to academic ability. “Parents never understand the amount of time and effort that goes into it,” she says, so what a dissatisfied parent will most often be told by those in charge is this: “Give it a chance.”
STORY: Burlesque-Dancing Teacher Speaks Out: ‘This Was a Witch-Hunt’
But how does a caring parent do that if, for example, their child comes home upset every afternoon? Or, worse yet, starts the morning by crying about not wanting to go to school in the first place because he or she doesn’t like the teacher? Keeping some key points in mind, experts say, and following a certain set of protocols will help your child adjust, as well as help ensure that those at the school remain receptive, calm, and helpful — and don’t become resentful. Because, as educational consultant Lisa Dabbs tells Yahoo Parenting, “None of us want to be ‘that parent.’”
Listen to your kid. “Just accept the feelings of your child — let her talk to you about her frustration, irritation, or disappointment,” Joanna Faber, a parent and former educator and contributor to “How to Talk So Kids Can Learn — at Home and in School,” tells Yahoo Parenting. And don’t worry about taking sides, either. “All you have to do is listen with sympathy — that’s the most important thing — because your kid is going to have a lot of frustration in the world, and that’s how we learn,” she says. Then, while listening, adds Day, be cognizant of how you react. “However a parent responds to their child, the child will learn something from that,” she says. “And if he or she steps in right away, it’s not giving the child conflict-resolution skills. Let them know that sometimes you don’t have the perfect teacher, and you have to work through the problems.”
Help your child negotiate the situation. If more action is warranted by the teacher’s behavior — yelling, for example, or not allowing any bathroom breaks — then the first step, says Lori, is “trying to empower your child to deal on his or her own.” So before going to the teacher yourself, help foster independence in your child by helping him go without you, either in person or through writing a letter of explanation or apology. “You just want to make it better, of course,” notes Faber, “but a big part of fixing it is realizing the power of being a sympathetic listener, being an advocate for your kid, and helping your kid be an advocate for herself.”
Step in. It certainly may come to this, Day notes, “but there is a way to do it and a way not to do it.” It’s important to follow a school’s chain of command, and to start by directly approaching the teacher, not the principal. Day suggests doing that in person, or at least over the phone. “One of the biggest mistakes parents make in these situations is misusing email,” she says. “It’s a great tool for something like ‘we’ll be late tomorrow’ or for setting up a time to talk. But you want to avoid tone issues or escalation of a problem, and you also have to respect the teacher’s time.” (Meaning: Save those lengthy, emotional, late-night emails for your friends.) When you do get face-time with the teacher, be sure to avoid overly aggressive questions or accusations that will “set them back on their heels,” Day says. Instead, stick with “reciprocal, open-ended questions,” understand that children very often behave differently at school than they do at home, and make your default approach one of “How can we support you?” over “Why did you do that to my kid?” Dabbs, a mother as well as a former teacher and administrator, says it’s important for parents to know that, “90 percent of the time” when there’s friction with a teacher, “it is because of a misinterpretation on the part of the child — the teacher or child has had a bad day; the child didn’t do an assignment,” she tells Yahoo Parenting. And if that’s the case, then direct communication can be a simple fix.
Take it to the next level. If the teacher interaction is not helping, then it’s appropriate to go to the next level, whether that’s the vice principal, the principal, or the school psychologist. “If you don’t have an adversarial relationship, asking the teacher who should be next is a good strategy,” Day suggests. Then, when you have that person’s ear, try to start from a place that is compassionate and positive. “A great approach is, ‘I really want my child to love learning,’ because that’s the shared mission of everyone involved.” The worst thing to do, Dabbs warns, is to “call the district office, or a friend who is a board member. All that does is create a situation where the school does not trust you when an issue comes up.” Still, she says, “Parents need to feel confident that we can ask questions and seek information,” which can help avoid conflict to begin with. So to that end, she suggests classrooms use tools such as the Remind app, which fosters classroom transparency through real-time parent updates.
Finally, plan ahead for next year. “Preemptive strike,” advises Faber. Throughout the year, listen what the other parents say about the teachers in the next grade — which one is strict, which one creative, which relies on lots of desk work. “While most schools don’t appreciate anyone asking for a specific teacher, you can write a humble and deferential letter in which you talk about your child and what you believe would make a good fit,” she says. “For me, it has helped enormously over the years.” Still, Day warns, “Be careful what you wish for,” as requests can sometimes “create unbalanced classes that in other ways aren’t good for your child.” (What if all the parents put their very active kid with a particularly energetic teacher?) Just keep in mind that everyone is generally aiming for the same goal — teachers, too. “They have every reason to want it to work,” she says.
Please follow @YahooParenting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Have an interesting story to share about your family? Email us at YParenting (at) Yahoo.com.
