'I Wanted to Be a Good Father': Gay Dad's Sacrifices to Raise Twin Daughters

“I could write a book about tips and tricks for raising twins by yourself,” Alan Sangpan jokes, recalling a unique “swivel technique” he used to rock and soothe his daughters Ava and Addison simultaneously soon after they were born via surrogate two years ago.

But a lot has changed since the Honolulu-based videographer was profiled by Yahoo Parenting last year. For one, he no longer has to handle everything alone. The 33-year-old has gotten serious with his boyfriend Cody, whom the girls call “Papa” — and though the dad admits, “I didn’t plan [on]…integrating another person into our lives,” he’s thrilled to report that coming together as a foursome has been an unexpectedly sweet success. “We have a beautiful family and a lot of friends who love us,” Sangpan says in a heartwarming interview about the trials and triumphs of bringing up his two little “divas” with Cody as part of Yahoo Parenting’s “What It’s Like” original video series. “Life is good.”

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Of course, he had no idea this is what his happily-ever-after would look like when he began researching his options for having kids as a single police detective five years ago. “Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a father…[But] being gay, it’s always been a struggle figuring out how I’d have kids,” says the Chicago native who now lives in Honolulu. “I researched adoption first….Come to find out, [as] a single gay male, my chances weren’t very high.”

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Also working against him, he adds, was his profession as a police detective. “In the end [surrogacy] turned out to be, probably, the best choice.” The rub: local, U.S. surrogacy agencies quoted Sangpan fees “over six figures with no guarantees.” A reproductive doctor that he consulted advised him to consider foreign surrogacy, and suggested India. The tab for the process there, working with Chicago-based agency Surrogacy Abroad, “came out to about $70,000 in cash,” he says — including an agency fee of $32,000; cost to hire an egg donor, $20,000; and $15,000 total for two trips to India, first for a sperm deposit, then another month living in India with his children before the babies were old enough to fly home. So Sangpan decided to go for it using an American egg donor and Indian surrogate, and divided up the payments over the course of a year.

Three months after Sangpan’s sperm deposit in India, a doctor called to tell him that the surrogate (whom he never met) was pregnant — with triplets. “I was in bed and I literally fell out,” he recalls. “I was in complete shock that was having three. That wasn’t even something that I thought was even possible… I actually was freaking out because I just didn’t know how I was going do it.” Sangpan says he called his mother, who had raised him solo, and kept calling her every hour in a panic. “I was happy…[but] also very scared at the same time…I was just trying to figure out how I was going be able to do this by myself because at the time, I didn’t have any help. It was just me.”

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As the pregnancy progressed, however, doctors decided that, “they were going do a reduction from three to two… in the best interest of everyone involved,” Sangpan says. “So when they made that determination that there was definitely going be twins, that’s when I kind of buckled down and realized I had to make a career change to be able to support two children by myself.”

Originally he was planning to continue his job with the police department, as well as moonlight with the wedding-videography company that he’d created to help bring in money to pay for the surrogacy tab. “I always kind of envisioned myself being able to do both and raising kids at the same time,” he says. “But when I knew I was going to have twins, I [felt like I] had to make a decision on which profession I was going pursue.” Considering a police officer’s schedule and all of the “unknowns” that he says comes with it, he says he thought, “‘I need to make my company into something that’s sustainable for myself and my family…because I need to be at home with my children.’” Admitting that it was “scary,” Sangpan recalls, “I walked into by boss’ office and I resigned. I was crying. I’d been a police officer for six years at the time and it was always something I had planned on doing until retirement. But more importantly than being a police officer, I wanted to be a good father. So that meant I just had to make some sacrifices.”

He spent the next six months growing his videography business and now says, “I’ve realized that this is really what I was meant to do.” His other preparations? Readying his home for two children. “I had a baby daddy party,” he says. “That’s like the guy’s version of a baby shower, because I was told guys don’t have showers…I [got] a huge stockpile of clothes, toys, things that I would need for that first year.” About a month before the babies were due, Sangpan flew to stay with relatives in Thailand so he could be closer to be closer to them in India.

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Then the big news came — via email. “They sent me a picture of two little girls wrapped up in blankets,” he says. “So my first reaction was just complete shock that I had two daughters.” Born at 32 weeks, the girls were each about three and a half pounds, he says, “like the size of my two hands.” He jetted to them the next day.

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“I spent the first three nights in the hospital,” he says. “That was kind of like my crash course [in] how to change diapers, how to feed them, how to burp them, reading books to them, cuddling with them, all those things.”

“You picture all these things in your head before it happens,” he recalls. “I picture the tears running down my face. And I picture just that rush of joy. And I did feel all those things. But when it actually happened, I felt more overwhelmed.”

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A month later, the 24-hour flight home with two newborns was stressful too, he admits, especially, “when both girls are crying at the same time, and you have only two hands.” Once the trio arrived back home in Hawaii, he says he relied on friends and a babysitter he’d lined up for help. “I knew that, as soon as I got home, I would need help off the ground…So I really kind of had systems in place.” Fatigue, he remembers, was the biggest hurdle. “I was so tired,” he says. “I’m still tired. I think I’m more tired now. I don’t know what it is. But actually it hasn’t stopped. The fatigue is permanent!”

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What changed, one year later, was that he no longer had to go it alone. “I remember, when I first wanted to have kids, I told myself that I wouldn’t really be able to date for a long time,” he reveals. “I would be too overwhelmed with my children. They’re the focal point of my life. And I wouldn’t have time for dating. But about a year into the girls’ lives, I realized that, you know, maybe it’s okay to go on dates. Maybe it’s okay to meet people, nothing too serious.”

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Yet things became serious quickly once Sangpan met Cody (who prefers not to share his last name). “We met through a phone app,” says the dad, adding that “even before going on the date, I told him, ‘I have two daughters. Are you okay with that?’ And to my surprise… Cody was okay.” They went on a date, he says. “And it’s funny because since the first time he met the girls, there hasn’t really been a day where we’ve been separated.”

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Exactly how the couple works out their parenting roles is a work in progress. “It’s always been me and the girls,” Sangpan explains. “So something we’re still trying to figure out is kind of where Cody’s role is in this family dynamic. In the beginning, Cody told me he didn’t want to be an uncle to the girls. He wanted to be more of a dad. But as we know, with that title comes with a lot of responsibilities. So I think that’s still our day-to-day struggle, dividing the responsibilities.”

And so far, so good. “What we’ve just concluded [is that] we’re just going try our best,” says Sangpan. “It’s not easy walking into a new relationship, let alone a new relationship [with] two kids in the house. It’s taken a lot of sacrifice from all of us, especially [in terms of] our relationship because we don’t get much time with just the two of us.”

Parenting toddler twins is demanding, he adds. “I’ve realized very quickly how important my role is in their lives… I love it when the girls wake up in the morning. And they’re just calling for my name… I love seeing their smiles on their face. I look at them. And I see myself in them. I see my mom in them. I see happiness that I’ve been looking for.”

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The girls, he brags, are “so precious” right now. “These two…are so girly,” he says. “I always ask them in the morning what they want to wear and they just scream for pink. They love pink. They love shoes, purses, dolls.” Sangpan has had to learn how to brush hair and shop for girls’ stuff. “I still have a lot to learn,” he says, adding that his daughters make that much clear even though they aren’t yet 3 years old. “They are little divas,” he jokes. “They have really strong personalities, so they’re not afraid to tell me what they want. They’re not afraid to speak their mind. I don’t know if that has to do with being girls or not, but I think it’s something that’s going to just magnify in the years to come, I’m sure.” As will his devotion to them.

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“When the girls were younger, a lot of the questions I got from strangers were, ‘Where’s the mom?’ and [remarks like] ‘Oh, you’re a really great husband taking the kids by yourself. Mom gets a break today,’” he says. “I had to field a lot of questions, [but] I never really was offended because I think people, naturally, are curious. [So] I made a decision…that I would just tell people the truth.… My two daughters need to be proud of themselves, proud of what our family has gone through to make this all happen, and I think that starts with me.”

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So he says he makes sure that his daughters are “surrounded by a lot of love,” which includes Cody and the family unit that they’ve been developing together. “That’s how I’ve always wanted to raise my kids,” he says. And Sangpan, for one, couldn’t be happier these days. “There’s really nothing, really, to ever complain about in our life,” he says. “So I just find myself not sweating the small stuff anymore, because at the end of the day, life is pretty good.”

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