The Five Words I’ll Never Say to My Children Again

Erin Zammett Ruddy with her husband and three children. Photo: Courtesy of Erin Zammett Ruddy.

I recently started using a parenting expression that I never thought would come out of my mouth: “Don’t make me tell Daddy.”

Once upon a time I was a calmer and more collected mom. But now things are different. I have three kids— ages 7, 5, and 15 months — which is only part of the problem. The bigger part: My husband and I used to co-parent, splitting the dirty work 50/50. Then about a month after our third child was born, he took a sales job that required a long commute and longer hours, leaving me with the lion’s share of parenting.

STORY: School’s Punishments for Kids Upsets Parents

Without him around to help, keeping the kiddos in check has been more difficult and the “don’t make me tell daddy” thing just kind of started. It wasn’t even my fault, really. My five-year-old was the first to bring it up. She’d do something like kick her older brother repeatedly and when I asked her to stop she’d say, “You’re not gonna tell Daddy are you?” I never indulged her. Then one day my kids were climbing on the snow banks in our driveway, refusing to get into the car for school and when I started to get mad, my daughter mentioned “Daddy” again so I bit. “Please don’t make me tell Daddy,” I said. (Adding the “please” made it feel less icky). And you know what? It worked. It wasn’t like my husband was going to come home and hit them with his belt, but suddenly he was helping me again.

STORY: Dad Gives 10-Year-Old Daughter a Very Public Lesson In Acting Her Age

Of course the more I said those five words, the more I suspected it was wrong and, it turns out, I was right.

“When a mom says, ‘Don’t make me tell Daddy’ or ‘Wait until Daddy gets home,’ the child concludes that the father is the source of power, the one who wields justice, who enforces right and wrong,” Laura Markham, Ph.D., a child psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, tells Yahoo Parenting. “You’re teaching your kids that their father is to be feared and their mother is not in charge—we don’t really have to care what Mom thinks, except in so far as she will tattle on us.”

Not good for mom and not fair to dad. My husband was always more of a disciplinarian than me but in his absence we made him the Bad Cop (and me a…Mall Cop?). The last thing he wants after working all day is to come home to an earful about our children’s misbehavior. And I don’t want to lose my power to kids whose shoes I still tie.

“When you find this threat — and it is a threat — coming out of your mouth, you know you have run out of options,” Markham says. “You feel powerless to influence your children to cooperate so you create an imaginary source of power to scare them.”

Fortunately, there is a solution for avoiding these threats. Let’s say your kids are playing in a snow bank and not listening to your repeated pleas to get in the car so you can drive them to school. You would:

Stop, drop and breathe: That means you momentarily withdraw yourself from the interaction until you’re calm. “It usually isn’t an emergency and it’s good role modeling for your kids on self-regulation,” says Markham. Put your stuff in the car and regroup — take a deep breath to stop you from getting mad.

Connect with your kids using empathy: Say, “Wow, you guys are having so much in that snow aren’t you? It’s so great that it’s warm enough to be outside. I get it. I want to play outside, too.” Markham says this tactic works because “We can’t really control kids but we can influence them and they’re only open to influence if they feel the connection.”

Coach them. Ask them why they think you need them to get in the car. Yup, it’s time for school. If you need to, get on their level—right in their face— and look them in the eye: “Say, ‘Look at me, I need your attention,’” says Markham.

Bottom line: “You always have better tools than threatening your child,” says Markham. “I understand why parents feel like they’re out of options but you’re not—calm yourself, reconnect, and coach your kids to make a better choice.”

After speaking with Markham, I quit those five words cold turkey. How could I not? I’m not declaring myself a peaceful parent just yet but I’m working on it.

Please follow @YahooParenting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Have an interesting story to share about your family? E-mail us at YParenting (at) Yahoo.com.