Surviving the Holidays as a Single Mom
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I’ve been celebrating the holidays as a single mom with sole custody since my 7-year-old son was an infant and this year won’t be any different. It’s the same story for many women out there: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 12 million single parents preparing to celebrate the holidays — 80 percent account for single mothers running the show solo.
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It’s just the two of us, so I try to keep things simple, realistic and fun — but of course it can get chaotic managing shopping, decorating and making sure his Elf on the Shelf is hang-gliding in the shower.
I usually try to muscle through holiday tasks on my own before asking for help because I never want to show vulnerability at the hand of a tangled string of lights or burnt batch of cookies. “This independent, do-it-all attitude is typical,” says Dr. Leah Klungness, Ph.D. Psychologist and co-author of The Complete Single Mother. “But everyone needs a hand, especially this time of year, so exchange your talents for someone else’s.”
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There is one person I’ll always accept help from: My older brother, whom I enlist to join us for annual Christmas tree shopping — but he goes beyond that, even securing the tree in its finicky stand. At first he offered to because I didn’t think I could manage maneuvering the tree on my own, with a 3-month-old baby in my arms. However, year after year, I started to see how much my son, who is growing up without a father, enjoys having his uncle around. A few days ago, my son delighted in filling up a big pitcher of sugar water, returning carefully to my brother who was laying under the tree. They filled the stand up together, while I removed glittery ornaments from tissue paper. Sometimes it really does take a village.
In fact, two Christmas Eve’s ago I called my brother in tears because I waited until last minute to assemble a play kitchen. The directions were endless and nothing seemed to fit together. Parts were spread all over the rug in no order. I was so relieved, and well into a bottle of wine, when he came over to help me. Now, I invite him to assist in this area every year — it really takes the anxiety out of something that should be fun. (This year, it’s connecting a new Wii.)
Besides, I’m good at other things like constructing and decorating a gingerbread house with my son each year. There’s great pride and satisfaction in the sugary finished collaboration. We also design a holiday card, attend a Santa pancake breakfast, go on winter hikes and bake cookies on Christmas Eve. These traditions are something to look forward to and my son appreciates the consistency.
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But if this is your first holiday as a single mom after a divorce, Dr. Klungness says not to focus on recreating the traditions you had as a family. She tells Yahoo Parenting that if your child is used to going ice skating with both parents, still take him on your own, but on the way home stop for donuts and hot chocolate. “Talk about how this sweet add-on will be something special you and your child share going forward,” she says. This is a good opportunity to start a brand new tradition, too.
Santa, magical elves and cookies are obviously kid-centric, but there’s no reason to feel bad about craving some grownup time, too. Klungness tells Yahoo Parenting to swap babysitting time with other parents since everyone has plenty to do over the holiday season. She says this is also cost-effective because you’re not paying anyone to watch your child and instead repaying the favor next time.
It’s also important to be realistic about your social life during the hectic holidays when you’re a single parent. Last New Year’s Eve, I planned to order pizza with my son and call it a night before the ball dropped. But when I told my single mom friend about our “wild” evening and learned her son would also be with her for the holiday, we joined forces and had a blast with our little boys well after midnight. It felt wonderful to connect with my girlfriend who also needed company, plus ring in the New Year with my son. Because that’s what being a single mom is all about: Being there for your child and making holiday memories.
