Mom Opens Up About Daughter’s Suicide: ‘I Didn’t Know My Child’
Sydney Sellers, 14, ended her life last year, and now her mom is speaking out to warn other parents that kids can have secret lives they know nothing about. (Photo: Jennifer Sellers/Facebook)
The numbers are tragically high: every year, approximately 2 million U.S. adolescents attempt to end their own lives. An estimated 2,000 succeed, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
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Jennifer Sellers’ 14-year-old daughter, Sydney Sellers, is in the latter category. On December 7, 2014, Sydney went to church in the morning, then spent the afternoon laughing, joking, and watching TV at home with her parents, said Jennifer, a children’s rights attorney, in an interview with AI.com, an Alabama news website, where the family lives.
When Jennifer finished making dinner, she went to Sydney’s room to call her to the table. There, she found her daughter’s body hanging by a belt from her bed. Jennifer called for her husband, Ronnie, and they tried to revive Sydney—but she was already gone.
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“My husband and I, we were in complete shock,” Jennifer told AI.com. “It was like a bomb had gone off in our world. Our ears were ringing, and we couldn’t see real well, and we couldn’t talk. We just really didn’t know what was going on except that our daughter was on the floor in her bedroom dead, and it didn’t make any sense.”
The devastation of Sydney’s suicide was compounded by the mystery that surrounded it. Jennifer described her daughter as an honors student with lots of friends and a first boyfriend that she and her husband really liked.
But in the ensuing months, after talking to her daughter’s friends and going through Sydney’s texts, Jennifer bravely admitted something very painful. “I didn’t know my child,” she told AI.com. “I knew the part of her that she wanted me to know. But as a parent, it never occurred to me there might be more.”
What she discovered about Sydney was hard to accept. When Sydney’s body was being prepared for her funeral, Jennifer learned that her daughter had scars on her stomach and thighs, which Sydney’s friends said came from self-cutting. Sydney’s friends also told Jennifer that her daughter had been harshly bullied verbally and physically by kids at school who were jealous of her for having a boyfriend.
A month after the funeral, Jennifer began reading texts Sydney had sent from her phone. What she found shocked her: Sydney had been messaging with strangers via the phone app Kik, and the conversations focused on sexually graphic topics. "It’s hard as hell for me to say some of this stuff, to admit there were parts of my child I knew nothing about,” Jennifer told AI.com.
Speaking out about how little she knew about her daughter’s life is courageous and risky, opening up Jennifer to judgments from parents who think they would never be so unaware of what their kid was up to.
Yet suicide experts say it’s not uncommon for parents to be taken completely by surprise by a child’s depression and suicide and learn about the factors that may have led to it only after the fact.
“Some parents don’t see the suicide coming because teens are very good at hiding what’s going on in their lives,” Bob Gebbia, CEO of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, tells Yahoo Parenting. “While many parents are aware of the issues their kids are dealing with, sometimes parents are often the last to know.”
Part of the reason many parents remain in the dark is because so much of their childrens’ lives these days is online and inaccessible to moms and dads. And when kids are bullied at school, administrators often don’t get involved or let parents know, says Gebbia.
If a teen doesn’t want to disclose her feelings or what’s going on in her life, it can be hard to pick up clues that something is really wrong, he says. But suicide does have signs, and it’s important for parents to keep their eyes open.
“Any change in behavior is something to take seriously, like if a teen who is normally outgoing suddenly isolates herself,” says Gebbia. “Or she starts talking in general about how there’s nothing to live for, or she feels trapped.” Statements like these don’t necessarily mean anything, but they can be red flags.
Another sign is sudden aggression and anger, especially in teenage boys; this is how males tend to reveal depression, says Gebbia. “Sleeping too much or too little can also signal depression, and alcohol or drug use is a sign too,” he says. And while events like bullying, academic setbacks in school, or a romantic breakup don’t cause suicide, they can be a trigger for a teen who is already feeling depressed.
If you notice any of these signs in your child, Gebbia advises not to talk yourself out of bringing it up. Don’t be judgmental or angry, just say you’ve noticed some changes and want to talk. “Make clear that seeking professional help isn’t a sign of weakness but something that can be a lifesaver,” he says.
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