Is It OK to Argue In Front of Your Kids? The Great Debate
It happens to every parent. Your partner gets on your nerves – or vice versa — and an argument percolates. You’re so wrapped up in your emotions, you don’t stop long enough to survey the room for any unwanted spectators. Sure enough, your kids are right there, or at the very least, within earshot. Should you stop cold turkey, shielding your children from any tension or continue, despite what’s about to go down?
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The answer may depend on the exact cause of the rift, and whether your argument is likely to remain a difference of opinion or morph into something more serious. That said, when — if ever — is it OK to argue in front of your kids?
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What the Research Says
Arguing in front of children may affect them more than we realize. A handful of studies have shown that blood pressure rises in children as young as infants when parents spar in front of them. They may not understand what is being said, but they register the conflict. Children in high-conflict homes may suffer from anxiety, depression, and sleep disorders. They can also have trouble paying attention in school and getting along with friends, according to research by child development expert E. Mark Cummins, cited in Parents magazine. Research from University College London also uncovered that kids who are exposed to a steady stream of family conflict show brain activity that is eerily similar to soldiers returning from combat.
Parental tension can have a tragic impact on children. (Photo: Alamy)
On the other hand, constructive conflict may increase a child’s sense of emotional security and well-being, according to a study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Other studies have linked constructive marital conflict — whereas parents refrain from yelling and remain respectful of each other’s points of view — with helping kids develop problem-solving skills. “If they don’t witness disagreements and how they are handled in constructive ways, they are not well-equipped to go out into the world and address inevitable conflict,” Patrick Davies, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, told the Wall Street Journal.
What the Experts Say
Anger and conflict can’t be avoided entirely in a marriage. The key is to cool down before things get out of hand, which usually means raising your voice or worse, getting physical. “Kids don’t always have the capacity to understand the difference between fighting and conflict,” Miami-based marriage and family therapist Tania Paredes, tells Yahoo Parenting. “They just feel tension.”
If you’re having constructive disagreements during which each parent respectfully shares his or her point of view, Paredes says it’s good for kids to see how adults work out problems. But if your emotions are clouding your ability to articulate your thoughts and control their delivery, it’s time for a time-out. Just be sure to check in with the kids later and ask if they have any concerns or questions. “You don’t have to make a huge deal about it, but making sure the kids weren’t left feeling confused, or worse, jumping to conclusions, is a good idea,” adds Paredes. “It helps them organize their feelings.”
Badmouthing a parent as a result of an argument, even if the kids weren’t present for the initial conflict, is just as bad. “Chances are you’re using hurtful words you don’t really mean, which teaches kids to argue unfairly and instills fear that their parents don’t love and respect each other,” says Paredes.
Kids will inevitably have disagreements with people throughout their lives, so the more parents model a healthy and respectful way to express emotions, the better. “Show them how to work toward a solution while being empathetic with the other person,” says Paredes, “and they’ll learn a slew of conflict-resolution skills that last a lifetime.”
What the Parents Say
“Even before my husband and I divorced, we were careful not to argue in front of the kids. Years later, our children are constantly reminded that even though mom and dad aren’t together, we respect each other, and we love them more than anything.” — Denise L.
“In our house we have a rule that when one of us is upset, we hold off and discuss it when the kids aren’t around. But even waiting until they go to bed has gotten us into trouble because the kids were awake and listening.” — Kelly R.
“I often have to stop myself from saying negative things about my ex in front of our kids. It’s not always easy because we are on opposite sides of so many issues. My hope is that, at the very least, my kids see me trying.” — Rich Rey.
The Bottom Line:
As long as the arguing is constructive and respectful, kids can learn a lot about relationships and conflict resolution from watching parents sort out issues. Keep ugly words out of your disagreements, and always circle back with the kids to ensure they didn’t misinterpret anything. You want them to know that everybody’s feelings count, including theirs.
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