I Never ‘Do it All’ — and I’m OK With That

Author Jaime Primak Sullivan hard at work. “It’s downright exhausting, and some days, impossible,” she says. (Photo: Jaime Primak Sullivan)

I was on the phone with a journalist recently, and as we wrapped up our interview about the many hats I wear and the many careers I juggle, she paused, and then said, “I just have one more question.” My heart sank, because I knew what was coming: the question that haunts women, forcing them into comparison boxes they didn’t sign up for.

“How do you do it all?”

A few years back, I would have tried to craft the perfect publicist answer about “delicate balance” and “priority.” But that’s not who I am, and that’s not what I have.

The truth is a simple two words: “I don’t.”

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When someone asks me how I do it all, what he or she is really saying is this: “You make juggling all these balls look so easy. Tell us how so we can do it, too.” But there is nothing easy about what I do: running a PR and production firm, serving as editor in chief for Good Grit Magazine, recording a weekly podcast, growing my digital series #cawfeetawk, writing scripts, maintaining active social media accounts, and finishing my book — all while growing in my faith, loving my husband, and raising three children under 7 years old without the help of nannies. I also travel a ton for work, often monthly, between Los Angeles, New York and Birmingham. It’s downright exhausting, and some days, impossible. But it’s also chaotic and fulfilling and, most days, amazing.

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I do have some guidelines and boundaries that I try to stick to, which I’m happy to share, though I must warn you; they’re simple and personal, and mostly it’s all just a lucky mix of faith, preparation, and partnership between my husband Michael and myself.

The author at Good Grit in Alabama. (Photo: Jaime Primak Sullivan)

Professionally, I thrive under heavy workloads and deadlines, and I love to have my creative mind in a thousand projects. At home, I include my children in all my household duties, and I make it part of our “together time” to get the chores done as a team. I am sure to sit with the kids for dinner — most of which I plan for and prep on the weekends, and if I slip, make one of my “go-to” recipes like quick English muffin pizzas and salad, or breakfast for dinner. Every night I listen carefully as they tell me about their day — unless I’m traveling, and then we FaceTime so I never have to miss prayers or a (virtual) kiss good night.

With PR client Ruben Studdard. (Photo: Jaime Primak Sullivan)

Even if I have to edit after the kids go down, I absorb the quiet 30 minutes my husband and I take each night to laugh or talk or cry or fight or whatever marriage work needs to be done. And we hold hands before we go to bed, no exceptions. We may not be speaking, but we are holding hands. It’s just our thing. We have a standing weekly date night where we celebrate making it another week — because marriage is hard, even under the most comfortable conditions — and weekends are always sacred, for our family, and never for work.

Still, even with those boundaries in place, even with finding a rhythm to choosing this over that, I never do it all — at least not at the same time, on the same day. Many times I burn dinner, forget to pack a snack for carpool time, or lose my cell phone. Some days, I’m an amazing editor and give the magazine everything I have — but leave 30 PR emails unopened. Other days, I’m working on securing a client exclusive with People magazine — but edit nothing that’s been submitted for Good Grit.

Her three kids. (Photo: Jaime Primak Sullivan)

At some point, not all that long ago, I realized that if I were going to continue to be a working mom, I’d have to grow up and stop complaining about the load I chose to carry, thereby releasing the notion that the world owed me something. Financially, I have to work, but something had to give. So I prayed about it, and I became gentler with myself. I stopped micromanaging my work, and now surround myself with great people. I delegate, and I trust them to get their jobs done. This alone has allowed me to be more present with my children.

I no longer fight or begrudge the compromises I have to make to be effective in the life I’ve built. I stopped seeing the moments where either work or family had to be sacrificed as reason to believe that I was failing, and accepted that truth as par for the course.

I stopped allowing outside voices inside my head. I lean on my husband, my rock, when I feel weak, instead of trying to pretend there are never days when it’s not overwhelming. I’ve found so much empowerment in owning that I can’t have it all, every day, but that I can have some at different times.

But perhaps the most comforting thing now is the look of relief on the next woman’s face when she asks me how I do it all, and I get to smile and say, reassuringly: “I don’t.”

Jaime’s daily digital series #cawfeetawk can be seen daily on her Facebook page and YouTube channel.

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