How to Get Your Kid to Talk About Their Day
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On the first day of preschool this year, I excitedly picked up my daughter, eager to hear all about her adventures that day. We went to a smoothie place and sat down at a table. “So…” I said, “How was your day?” No response. “What did you do at school?” Eyes on straw. “Do you like your teacher?” Nada.
Through trial and error, I’ve learned that the one question that gets my 3-year-old to open up is, “What made you laugh today?” But it took a week or two of getting zero information to stumble upon success.
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Yahoo Parenting spoke to Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and author of the forthcoming book “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” as well as a few parents, for ideas on how to get your kid to share his or her day.
Preschool
“In the preschool years, it’s helpful to have enough information that you can ask specific questions,” Morin tells Yahoo Parenting. “Young children often forget what they did during the day or have trouble identifying what to talk about.” She suggests talking to the teacher at pick-up about what activities the class did that day. Then you can give a prompt such as, “Tell me what you learned about whales today.” And ask follow-up questions: “What did you think when you read that story?” According to Morin, you’ll help guide the narrative while jogging your kid’s memory.
Parent Tips
“Play the ‘Who did something…’ game. ‘Who did something funny/smart/naughty/interesting today?’ That always elicits more than the run-of-the-mill shrugs.” — Kate Messner
“I ask about details like, ‘Did this person come to school today? Was he wearing that green sweater he likes?’ Or something random and silly like, ‘Did you tell your teacher about the big dinosaur we saw?’ It gets them thinking about specifics and makes me more informed and engaged.” — Georgia McBride
Elementary School
A short attention span for conversation is an issue for many elementary school kids, so Morin suggests distracting them with an activity, such as an an art project or playing catch, while you chat. “That helps them feel less on the spot, and they’re more willing to talk when their hands are busy,” says Morin. If you’re looking for insight into their social lives, questions like, “What did you do at recess today?” or “Who did you eat lunch with?” work because they beg specific, clear answers about a child’s friendships. Morin also suggests that academic updates be gathered with questions like, “What’s the hardest thing you did in class today?” coupled with, “What’s was the easiest part of school today?” That way, you’ll acknowledge their interests and strengths as well.
Parent Tips
“I always try to answer in detail when I’m asked about my day to model that for them. Some kids are talkers and some aren’t, so for mine it also helps to start the conversation with the siblings together — the competitive juices sometimes spur the non-talker to spill.” — Jennifer Klonsky
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“My husband, my six-year-old and I all take turns during dinner sharing three things about our day. Having everyone participate really helps — our daughter keeps track and actually calls us out if we don’t share three.” — Nanette Marcus
Middle School
“Avoid too many targeted questions,” advises Morin. In the pre-teen years, those can feel more like digging or prying than conversation. “General questions like, ‘What was the best part about your day?’ can give a kid an opportunity to share without feeling like he or she is being interrogated.”
Also key at this age: Spending quality time together and allowing the space and circumstance for your child to talk. “Often, they’re willing to talk about bigger issues — like friend drama — when you’re participating in an activity together,” Morin notes. “Providing positive feedback and ensuring that your child feels heard when she shares information is essential to encouraging more conversation.”
Parent Tips
“I ask if anything weird happened. The word ‘weird’ gets my sixth-grader thinking. And some days, nothing weird happens and the day is just ‘fine.’ That’s the truth and I respect that.” — Suzanne Weber
“We play the ‘Rose and the Thorn,’ meaning what’s the best thing that happened today and what’s the worst thing that happened today? It’s a routine, which makes it easier, and often it turns into, ‘Well, I have two roses, or one thorn that turned into a rose.’ It’s non-threatening language that gives them a chance to open up, vent, reflect or commiserate.” — Inha Yang
High School
At these older ages, parents can ask big-picture questions. Instead of “Do you ever get bullied?” try “Is bullying a big problem at school?” “Teens are often more willing to discuss general issues first to test your reaction,” says Morin. “If you show support for bully victims, your child may then be more willing to share a personal experience.”
The media is also a great tool. “Strike up a conversation about alcohol or dating when you see a movie or news story that deals with the subject,” suggests Morin. That can give you insight into your teen’s world and allow an opportunity to share your values without getting personal about her life.
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“With high school kids, it’s less important to get a daily play-by-play,” says Morin. “Your teen should have some privacy and the freedom to discuss things with friends rather than parents.” But it’s important to stay in touch with bigger life issues regarding how your child is doing overall and what his future plans are. Parents are still a guiding force for teenagers.
Parent Tip
“I ask questions about light subjects to get my 14-year-old son talking. Like I’ll ask about who he sat with on the bus, what they talked about… that moves into what else he heard on the bus, whether someone got teased. The conversation grows naturally if there’s something to share.” — Merri Meyer
And this teen tip
“Non-judgment is key. That I can go to my mom with anything means that I tell her most things. It also helps that my mom talks to me about her day and her life. If she’s comfortable, I can be too.” — Amber K.
