How to Explain Parents’ Bad Habits to Kids
Brad Pitt was caught smoking in a paparazzi photo, despite wife Angelina Jolie’s public battle to stave off cancer. (Photo: Michael Kovac/Getty Images)
If there’s one lesson parents want their kids to learn, it might be this: Do as I say, not as I do.
Those are words that Brad Pitt might be repeating to his family today, as paparazzi caught him Sunday sneaking a cigarette on the New Orleans set of his upcoming film, The Big Short.
The photo, which appeared on Radar Online, shows the actor leaning against a car taking a smoke break, an especially surprising shot in light of his wife’s recent preventative surgeries to combat cancer.
This tweet from Radar Online shows actor Brad Pitt taking a cigarette break on-set. (Photo: RadarOnline/Twitter)
In May 2013, Angelina Jolie wrote in the New York Times about her decision to undergo a preventative double mastectomy after learning of her vastly increased chances of breast and ovarian cancer. Last month, she revealed that she had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed to further decrease her cancer risk.
“It is not possible to remove all risk, and the fact is I remain prone to cancer,” she wrote. “I will look for natural ways to strengthen my immune system. I feel feminine, and grounded in the choices I am making for myself and my family. I know my children will never have to say, ‘Mom died of ovarian cancer.’
Jolie continued: “It is not easy to make these decisions. But it is possible to take control and tackle head-on any health issue. You can seek advice, learn about the options and make choices that are right for you. Knowledge is power.”
So how do Jolie and Pitt reconcile her public fight to stave off cancer with his most recent behavior? If they are, presumably, teaching their six kids that smoking is one more thing that can increase a cancer risk — cigarette smoking is the No. 1 risk factor for lung cancer, according to the CDC — how will they explain this photo?
“One of the most important things is to have an open conversation with the whole family,” Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, tells Yahoo Parenting. “If mom gives one message but dad is doing exactly the opposite, it’s confusing for kids.”
Morin says the first thing parents should do is try to gain some credibility with their children. “If parents say ‘smoking is awful, it’s terrible and horrible,’ and then kids see one parent smoking, they are going to think ‘it’s not the worst thing in the word because dad does it,” Morin says. It’s the same thing with any negative behavior, like drinking alcohol or eating too much junk food, she adds. “Parents are better off to explain why they might engage in a behavior even though it’s a bad idea. Like, ‘Nicotine is addictive, and it’s something I struggle with, and I don’t want you to go through the same struggle so it’s better to start now when you’re a kid, so you don’t have the same hard time when you’re an adult.’” The same strategy can be used for any behavior parents are trying to discourage in their children, even if they haven’t entirely broken the bad habit themselves.
“Explain that this is a bad habit and I don’t want to do it, but it’s a hard habit to break,” Morin says. “That’s the biggest mistake parents make – they say ‘you should never do this because it’s bad.’ But they don’t give the full picture.” Kids are perceptive, she says, so better to tell them the whole story.
And, of course, parents should present a united front, even when one has a caught-in-the-act moment. “Decide between the two of you, ‘what do we want our kids to learn?’ It’s important for parents to be on the same page,” she says. “Whether or not parents are working on their own habits, make sure kids are getting a clear message from both of you.”
Which is to say, it might be time for a family sit-down at the Jolie-Pitt house.
Please follow @YahooParenting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Have an interesting story to share about your family? E-mail us at YParenting (at) Yahoo.com.
