How the Third Child Can Break a Marriage
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, parents of three children, are divorcing after almost thirteen years of marriage. (Photo: Chris Polk/PMA2014/GettyImages)
But they seemed so happy! Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, parents of three children, announced on Monday that their marriage of almost 13 years is ending. The news comes only weeks after Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, also parents of three kids, confirmed their split after 10 years of marriage.
“While the two of us have come to the mutual decision that we will no longer be partners in marriage, we remain partners in parenthood and are committed to jointly raising our three sons in a happy and healthy environment,“ Stefani and Rossdale told Us Weekly in a statement on Monday. Like Ben and Jen (parents of Violet, 9, Seraphina, 6, and Sam, 3), the rocker couple’s kids are also young: Kingston, 9, Zuma, 6, and Apollo, 17 months.
STORY: Going for a Third Kid? It Won’t Make You Any Happier
As a mom of two, hearing all this sad news made me recall a conversation I had a few years ago when I asked a family member and mother of two if she was finished having kids. “Yes,” she declared. “I like my marriage, and everyone I know who has three children gets divorced.” Her response was swift, certain, and has stuck with me since.
STORY: An Open Letter to My Neglected Third Child
While it’s unclear what exactly caused the Stefani-Rossdale split (and cheating rumors swirl), one thing is clear: Three children is no joke. Parents of three become outnumbered and overstressed, as confirmed in a 2013 Today survey of more than 7,000 American moms. According to the data, mothers of three stress more than moms of one or two — and even more than women with four children, who actually report lower stress levels because they reportedly “let go” rather than struggle to keep everything together perfectly.
Having a third child can stress a marriage “to the point of implosion,” licensed marriage and family therapist Paul Hokemeyer tells Yahoo Parenting. “Every parent, no matter how educated, resourced, or chill, has a breaking point where they become overwhelmed by the stress of having another human being completely dependent on them. And the third child often becomes this point.”
Up until the arrival of the third baby, “parents can keep the order of their lives relatively under control,” he explains, “but the third child tips the balance, and he or she turns order into chaos and rhythm to racket.”
Time management becomes a huge juggling act, he adds, noting that mastering the “steep learning curve,” of parenting three kids is something that some parents “simply don’t have the time or energy to champion.” Add to it what Hokemeyer calls an “annihilation of the ‘me’ part of life,” by the now threefold demands of caregiving, and parents can become angry and resentful about not having time to devote to themselves or each other. “Because this anger can’t be expressed towards the children, it becomes displaced onto their spouse or partner,” he says. “So basically, the third child throws off the tenuous balance that existed when there were two children and places the family in a state of disharmony.”
Working through it and re-establishing a semblance of order takes time, energy and effort, he adds. How can you tell if your union is up to the task? “Just look at the strength of your relationship,” advises Hokemeyer. “If your partnership is already stressed out, chances are it will not tolerate the addition of yet another stressor. Adding another baby to a faulty relationship will only accentuate the cracks and weakness in it.” Healthy families, he adds, “are built on strong foundations.”
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