How Mom Shut Down Teacher's Stinging Criticism
As a former preschool teacher turned stay-at-home-mom, I was selective when it came to choosing a preschool for my two sons.
I wanted a classroom that felt like an extension of home. A school that was a community, with warm, caring teachers. The place I chose had an environmentally friendly curriculum I liked. I saw messy, imperfect art on the wall that was child-directed (not teacher instructed.) I watched children play with wooden fire trucks from the 1970’s the teacher had carefully saved, and blueberries being passed out as the snack in correlation to reading Robert McCloskey’s Blueberries for Sal.
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So it was to my great surprise two weeks into the school year when I realized I despised my younger son’s teacher. It began quite simply: I was three minutes late, and upon arrival she whisked me aside and said in a strained voice: “He is already crying every morning. Being late only makes his adjustment harder.”
Of course I knew she was right, but still, it stung. I felt like a bad mom. The next day, it was different issue: “He needs his sandwich cut in four, not in half. It is too hard for him to hold it otherwise.”
Soon, her demands rained over me like a waterfall I was drowning beneath: “Please buy him a proper lunchbox, we don’t tolerate paper bags here.”
“Keep quiet in the hallway when you pick up your kids, other children are napping. I noticed you talk loudly sometimes.”
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"Put away your cell phone."
She once whisked my lukewarm coffee cup right out of my hand, chiding me: “We don’t allow coffee in school; you could have burned one of the children.”
"But it’s not hot," I muttered pathetically.
It went on like this for several weeks. I’d feel my stomach clench every morning while driving, and worsen as we approached the school’s front doors.
As a result of my frustration, I found myself snapping at my husband and children. I began calling her “The Dragon” to friends. Ironically, my son, wary of most adults, loved her. Pulling him out of class would mean a great disruption for not only him, but his brother as well.
It was time to bring out the big guns. I would kill her with kindness, a tactic I have used in the past to deal with difficult people. Now, instead of getting huffy when she acted demanding, I plastered on a huge grin and said chirpily, “Thank you so much for these suggestions. I really appreciate your advice.” I offered to help her cut out shapes for an art project. I asked if she needed a class mom to help decorate the room, or send weekly updates to the other parents.
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Only… things didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted. She grew even more pushy, more demanding.
It turns out I was going about the whole problem completely wrong.
"Nice works fine when you’re dealing with nice people," says Dr. Rick Kirschner. Kirschner is the co-author of "Dealing With People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst."
We were “coming from two different styles of interaction,” Dr. Kirschner added. ”Your style is more ‘get along.’ You’re helpful and compliant. She is direct, to the point. She wants things done her way, right away.”
So how to handle "The Dragon"?
"You need to shift the situation by speaking to [her] the same blunt and quick way she speaks to you," says Dr. Kirschner. "No more ‘dextification,’ which stands for defending, explaining, excusing, and justifying." I also have to stop making myself so available:
"When you enter the classroom, try ‘Yes, no, got to go,’" Dr. Kirschner says. Essentially, stop hanging around, stop asking how to help. Stop engaging with her demands. Drop-off should be quick. The hope and intention is that in time she will get the message that I expect the same respect from her that I give myself in her presence. That I’m not a wimp, and I’m self directed.
"Remember to keep your conversations short and to the point. And if you have difficulty not getting upset, breathe into those feelings, and talk encouragingly to yourself," Dr. Kirschner advises.
Deep breaths. I’ll try to remember that at drop-off tomorrow.
