How I Revive My Marriage Every Year, No Kids Invited
Parents are constantly shamed for their choices. From how we feed our children to how we educate them, everyone has an opinion on how to raise kids. The result? Moms and dads feel endlessly judged for the choices they make — even if they have no other options. This week, families around the country are sharing their inspiring, funny, honest, and heartbreaking stories with Yahoo Parenting in an effort to spark conversations, a little compassion, and change in the way we think about parenting forever. Share your story with us — #NoShameParenting.
Before having kids, my husband and I used to sleep in on weekends, take leisurely strolls to brunch, and then decide what we felt like doing that day. After having two kids, our weekends are spent getting up early, followed by a blur of activity trying to get our toddler twins dressed, fed, slathered in sunscreen, and out the door for a child-friendly outing or, as we always call it, “an adventure.”
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Would I trade my life now? Not in a million years. Our toddlers bring us more joy and fulfillment than we ever imagined. But juggling two kids, a dog, and our full-time jobs doesn’t leave much room for couple time. In the crush of day-to-day life, it’s all too easy to unconsciously place your relationship on the back burner, but doing so can put your marriage at risk, particularly for us: Studies show that parents of multiples have a slightly higher divorce rate because of the constant demand of caring for several babies at once.
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So my husband and I decided early on that we would make it a priority to find ways to carve out some “just us” time.
We had our first post-babies date night when our twins were only 2-weeks-old. My husband had bought tickets to a concert months before my due date, but when the day arrived, I couldn’t bring myself to go. Not only did I not want to leave our newborn babies, I was still healing from my C-section and could barely walk. My mom, dad, and grandma, who were visiting their new grandchildren at the time, insisted I go, saying the three of them had it covered.
So I went. My husband did everything he could to make sure I was comfortable, including buying an inflatable seat cushion so I could sit through the concert. Before the show kicked off, we grabbed a drink at the concession stand and started chatting with the couple standing next to us. We mentioned that this was our first night away from our newborns, and they told us that they did the same thing — went to a concert when their now teenage kids were infants. It instantly made me feel better about being away from our babies. But more than that, I recognized ourselves in them — a couple that loves their kids but also makes time to enjoy each other’s company. They understood that, eventually, their teens would be off to college, and rather than turning to each other in an empty house and saying, “Who are you again?,” they made it a priority to stay connected.
Last year, when our twins were 2-years-old, we took our first kid-free vacation, leaving our little ones in the very capable hands of my parents, who relished having that time with their grandkids. Although it wasn’t easy being away from our children — I cried as soon as I got in the car and checked in with my folks every day — it also felt surprisingly normal and wonderful to be alone with my husband again. We slept in, had leisurely brunches, and didn’t plan the rest of the day, just like old times.
When we’re away together, we’re not dividing our attention like slivers of pie. We get to focus completely on each other and actually finish a sentence. Imagine that! It’s like hitting the Reset button on your relationship. So we decided that a kid-free trip would become an annual tradition.
For our five-year anniversary this year, I chose a dude ranch in Montana. I purposely picked something that was so different from our daily lives — horseback riding, cattle drives, and river rafting — so we could challenge ourselves and dive into an adventure together.
On our river-rafting trip, my husband and I had to paddle in synchronicity, working together down a 10-mile stretch of river, through multiple rapids. If we didn’t paddle together, the raft wouldn’t move forward. My husband, noticing that my paddle stroke was shorter than his, matched his movements to mine, and we tackled each rapid together.
It was a metaphor for teamwork in a marriage. We’ve come out of our trip feeling closer, well rested, and more patient not only with each other but also with our kids — a win for everyone.
It’s never easy to be away from our children. As soon as we get home, I can’t run into the house fast enough so I can wrap my arms around them and drink them in. But I know that it’s equally important for my husband and I to have this rare kid-free time each year, replenishing the well and investing in our marriage. As John Jacobs, MD, a New York City couples therapist and author of All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage, told Parenting: “The paradox is that the number one thing you can do for your children is to have a good marriage.” And we’ve taken that advice to heart.
(Photos: Montana River Photography; Rachel Grumman Bender)
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