Good News for Strict Moms and Dads Out There

There’s no shortage of mom-and-dad opinions out there, on every parenting topic under the sun. But what do kids think about it all? The just-released results of a Highlights magazine survey, which questioned its young readers on topics including indulgence and discipline, provide a pretty good picture — and reveal lots about parents and their anger issues, as well as kids’ high tolerance for them.

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“We asked kids how they know when their parents are mad at them—and it’s very clear that parents make it apparent: 65 percent responded that their parents yell when they are angry, tell them outright that they are upset, or use their full name when talking to them,” note the results. But most of the kids, luckily, are good sports about it, with many calling their parents “strict” but 77 percent also conceding that discipline plays a big part in improving their behavior and determining right from wrong.

The 2015 State of the Kid is the seventh annual such survey by Highlights magazine, conducted to give kids ages 6 to 12 a national platform to share their opinions. This year’s polled 1,754 children, including both Highlights readers and non-readers.

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Though a majority of kids said discipline helped them, some claimed it was ineffective and built resentment. “It depends,” noted one 12-year-old respondent. “I don’t think punishment makes kids behave better because then they just end up resenting whoever punished them. But I think teaching kids how to act and explaining to them what is right and what is wrong will help them behave better.”

But Dr. Laura Markham, a child psychologist and parenting expert, says this message of kids’ approval isn’t shocking. “I don’t know a kid in the world who wouldn’t say this,” she tells Yahoo Parenting, explaining that children will almost always stick up for their parents’ child-rearing practices. “Otherwise, there’s a cognitive dissonance — even kids who are abused will protect their parent and say they deserved it.” She also found the way the first question was phrased — “How do you know when your parents are mad at you?” — to be strange and not all that revealing.

“It’s different than asking, ‘How do you know when you’ve done something wrong?’ It’s bizarre,” she says, “but indicative of how we guide children — by teaching them to focus more on the relationship with parents and their reactions rather than how to internalize values [to make good decisions for themselves].” (And regarding all the yelling, Markham says it’s also not surprising, but that it shouldn’t necessarily give parents a free pass. “You can take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone,” she says, “but it doesn’t mean it’s good for your child. Yelling at your child is having a tantrum — and if you’re going to model that behavior, you’re going to get it back. You don’t really want to set up the teen years that way.”)

Regarding what type of disciplinarian their moms and dads are, three in five kids described their parents as “easygoing.” But the older, and thus more independent, kids were more likely to consider their parents “strict” — though 57 percent of 11-and 12-year-olds still label their parents “easygoing,” as compared to 62 percent of 6- to 8-year-olds and 60 percent of 9- to 10-year-olds.

Other key findings:

•Less than half of the kids — 44 percent — earn an allowance, and 34 percent of those who do must do chores to earn the payout; boys, interestingly, are less likely to earn an allowance, while girls are more likely to get one without having to earn it.

•When kids want something, they employ various tactics to get mom or dad to pony up: 32 percent beg, 16 percent bribe their parents or make a deal, while 13 percent try to logically explain why they want what they want. In response to begging or bribing, 44 percent of kids — boys more so than girls — say their parents tell them they’ve got to earn the item. Girls, meanwhile, often hear “maybe” or that “it costs too much.”

•“Participation trophies” can be controversial — NFL dad James Harrison spoke out against them recently, and confiscated them from his own kids — but children taking this survey really liked the idea. Three in five believe everyone deserves a trophy, with 67 percent of girls favoring the idea compared to 53 percent of boys.

•Kids have some interesting notions about how they might discipline their own little ones when they become parents themselves: 27 percent would go for time outs or grounding, while 24 percent would take away a privilege. “I would take away their electronics for a time, depending on how bad the thing they do is,” said one 11-year-old boy. A 6-year-old boy, meanwhile, noted, “I wouldn’t discipline. I’d be calm. I want to be the nice one.” And, finally, comes this zinger from another 6-year-old boy: “I am going to be an engineer, not a mom or dad.” Touché, kid.

“We love the State of the Kid report because it gives us a chance to add kids’ perspective on important issues to our conversations about parenting,” Christine Cully, editor-in-chief of Highlights magazine, says in a press release about the findings. “Parents have to lead, but we believe really listening to kids and understanding their perspective on family life can strengthen families.” And though revelations can sometimes prove embarrassing — such as the shares about parents who yell — Cully thinks there’s value in that, too. “It’s good to understand that so many of us get to this place at times,” she notes. “And, it should be a relief to know that kids really do understand that discipline exists to help them become better.”

(Photo: Tim Denison/Getty Images)

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