Daughter's Brilliant Response to Parents Trying to Marry Her Off
Indhuja Pillai. Photo by Facebook.
It’s not uncommon for Indian parents to write “want ads” for their daughter’s arranged marriage, in an aim to root out the perfect husband. What’s rare, though, is this: a daughter responding to her parents’ personal ad by creating an incredibly honest one of her own. Indhuja Pillai, 24, did just that recently, noting that she’s a “tomboy” who is “not marriage material.” It swiftly went viral, garnering awe, praise, media attention — and more than a few marriage proposals — from all around the world.
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“It all started when my parents put my profile up on *insert goddamn matrimony site name here*,” Pillai, of Bangalore, explained in a blog post about the ads. “Details were — Name: Indhuja, Profession: Software Engineer. I went like, ‘WTF is happening here’ soon after that.” For one, she noted, she only works at a startup. For another, she felt too young to get married. So Pillai took the ad down, and began to compose an honest one of her own. “Send this to anyone who has the nerve to ask my hand in marriage,” she told her parents.
Photo by Indhuja Pillai
“To all those who want to help my parents in the groom hunt,” Pillai wrote in February on her Facebook page, along with the link to her new personal ad. Some choice details she included in it: that she’s a tomboy, an atheist, is “married to self,” and likes amateur photography. “I play badminton, sing and dance. I wear glasses and look dorky in them,” she wrote. “Not a spendthrift or a shopaholic. Detest masala & drama, not a TV fan. I don’t read. Friendly but I don’t prefer friendship. NOT a womanly woman. Definitely not marriage material. Won’t grow long hair, ever. I come with a life-long guarantee and I commit for life.”
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The husband she’d look for (if she were looking, that is), would be a man who is “preferably bearded, who is passionate about seeing the world. Someone who earns for himself and does NOT hate his job. Must be flexible with his parents, also means, it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids. Points for a great voice and an impressive personality. Should be able to hold a conversation for at least 30 minutes.”
When she told her parents about the ad, she notes in her blog post, “I was quite certain they were scared as hell about what it would look like… They said were scared and skeptical before seeing the website. Later, they actually thought it made sense.”
Photo by Indhuja Pillai
So did the tens of thousands of fans who have liked or commented on Facebook, written to her directly, or covered Pillai’s story in outlets ranging from the Hindu MetroPlus Bangalore and India Today to the BBC and News Corp Australia, as well as various TV news stations. On Twitter, she’s been called “the coolest groom-seeker ever,” “rebellious,” “spunky,” “brave,” “inspiring,” and “a rock star.”
For anyone outside of Indian culture not quite understanding why it was so brave of Pillai to respond to her parents in this way is this explanation about the tension over arranged marriage that exists between modern young women and their moms and dad. “For some Indians, the conundrum is exacerbated by the fact that our parents had no choice for a partner; the only choice was how hard they’d work to be happy,” wrote Anita Jain in New York magazine. “My father saw my mother once before they got married. He loves to shock Americans by recounting how he lost sight of her at a bazaar the day after their wedding and lamented to himself that he would never find her again, as he’d forgotten what she looked like. So while we, as modern Indian women, eschew the idea of marrying without love, the idea that we’re being too picky tends to nag even more than it otherwise would.”
Pillai with her mom and dad. Photo by Facebook.
To make the struggle even clearer, Jain wrote this: “At a recent dinner party, when I was trying to explain how single-minded Indian parents can be, my friend Jaidev jumped to the rescue. ‘Imagine you are on a safari in Africa with your parents,’ he said. ‘A lion strolls by, and then perhaps a tiger. Your mother turns to you and says, Son, when are you getting married? You have a girl in mind? What are your intentions?” So kudos to Pillai, then, for seeing past the tiger.
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