5 Things Schools Don’t Teach Our Kids
They may be on their way back to class, but your children still have to learn some key life lessons from their first teacher: You.
Photo by Lasse Kristensen/Getty Images
While we’re at work, we count on teachers to boost our kids’ academic skills in an environment that puts brains at center stage. But even the best educators and schools can’t cover everything. We pinpoint five essential skills they often miss, how you can fill in the gaps—and why you must.
Learning to fail
When your child shouts, “I suck at math!” It’s tempting to apply the “everyone’s a winner” adage, letting her off the hook by extolling her many other virtues. It will be a tough road into adulthood, however, if your child can’t learn from losing moments. “If you’re not preparing your kids to take the slings and the arrows, they may fall apart when they experience something negative,” says Rebecca “Kiki” Weingarten, an education and life coach in New York City.
Your strategy once your child has cooled off, turn her failure into a problem-solving session. Talk about what she did right, what she did wrong and how she can improve the next time, Weingarten advises. Then model it: next time something doesn’t go your way, get your child’s advice on how to handle it.
Feeling for others
Without empathy, kids won’t realize when they’ve hurt others—like when they laugh at the “weird” new kid—or understand sensitivity to someone else’s needs and opinions, says Edmonds, WA–based social worker Jean Tracy of kidsdiscuss.com. Empathy is a key skill for getting along with others in school and the future workforce.
Your strategy: With a younger child, read a story that features a character facing a problem, such as bullying or homelessness, and ask how he thinks the character felt or how he might feel if it happened to him, Tracy suggests. With an older child, try listening to a news report together and discuss it. Speak with concern about others’ plights, and encourage your kid to express himself. “When you show appreciation for what children have to say, they’ll feel more important and willing to speak up,” Tracy says.
Singular focus
You watch your kid jump from a video game to homework to the mall, all while texting with friends. Good at multitasking? Maybe. Concentration? Not so good, which doesn’t bode well for future college testing and longterm projects from employers. Focus is “the only way you finish and achieve anything,” Weingarten says.
Your strategy: Start small. A younger child can help you plan and complete a task, such as making a grocery list and helping you shop, advises Weingarten. Set an electronics-free hour nightly, when everyone has to focus on conversation, or have your child set specific daily time slots for homework.
Self-advocacy
Schools want your kids to speak up for themselves, rather than have Mom jump on the phone, especially once they hit middle school. And it’s not just about teachers avoiding pesky calls. “Being able to self-advocate supports a child’s independence,” says Suzita Cochran, a psychologist, parenting blogger and mom of three in Boulder, CO. “It allows her to steer toward her own life goals.”
Your strategy: Have your child order for herself in a restaurant and pick out her own library books. When a classmate or teacher issue comes up, help her prepare to handle it through roleplay: Talk about her feelings, clarify her options and get her thinking about how the other person will react, Cochran advises.
Talking to grown-ups
If you cringe every time your kid turns monosyllabic in response to an adult (and it happens a lot), you know the impact of poor communication. Being able to converse well, especially with adults, builds strong, positive relationships with teachers, coaches and other parents in your child’s life, says Cochran—and can open up doors to opportunities and leadership roles.
Your strategy: Remind your child often what you expect of him when it comes to polite conversation, and model how to address and respond to adults in different situations. If shyness or anxiety is a problem, Cochran says, talk him through what he might say in response to Aunt Martha’s questions about school or a new teacher’s inquiry about summer vacation.
How to Talk to Your School
Want to convince your school to do something that will benefit your child—without looking like a bully?
Build relationships.
Don’t wait until you really want something before connecting with the school. Get to know teachers and administrators right away, says Debi Pfitzenmaier, a mom of two who blogs. Volunteer at evening school events or help secure donations. You can even buy supplies for your child’s classroom.
Be prepared.
Find out the best person to manage your request—a teacher or counselor may be appropriate for something small. Pfitzenmaier also researches online to see how others have handled a similar issue at their schools. Then, she advises, plan what you want to say before you pick up the phone.
Be willing to compromise.
“I’ve seen parents approach schools like a bulldozer, and I can tell you, that rarely works,” Pfitzenmaier says. If you want your child in an accelerated class, for instance, come up with options to discuss. Go in with more than a problem; work the solution.
By Alexandra Moses
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