5 Things I Suck At Now That I’m a Dad
Being a dad to two girls can be a challenge. (Hero Images/Getty Images)
Fatherhood is no joke and I’d like to believe I’m pretty good at handling it. But since my focus is squarely on my two little girls, I’ve learned that I suck at a lot of other things unrelated to ponytails and tea parties.
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#1 - Small Talk: This is an unfortunate one for me because I actually enjoy small talk. I was great at striking up dialogue with random people in supermarkets, doctor’s offices, Starbucks, etc., but now I just can’t figure it out. Here’s an example of a conversation I initiated with a random woman during a recent trip to the playground.
Me: “Wow, your daughter is very active.”
Woman: “That’s my son, actually.”
Me: “Oh, sorry.”
***awkward silence***
Me: “I’m hearing long-haired boys are the in thing right now.”
Luckily for me, she was a good sport - but she easily could’ve thrown her hot coffee in my face.
Explanation: Anyone who knows me understands that I absolutely hate to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, now that I’m a dad, I always find myself in energy-conservation mode, and the energy required to beat around the bush or sugarcoat something isn’t all that appealing to me. Because of that, I’m now more blunt when speaking with my family and close friends. The problem is that I’m also more blunt with strangers, and that will probably be the catalyst for getting my ass kicked, pepper-sprayed, or arrested in the future. I really need to work on this. Immediately.
#2 - Looking Good: I used to take pride in my appearance and now it’s at the bottom of my totem pole of priorities. Last week I had to get some food for the baby and I took a stroll to the supermarket across the street from my place. I put on a ripped sweatshirt, some black Crocs, and a pair of old athletic shorts that were so tight they most likely mutated 90% of the healthy sperm I have left. People looked at me like I was insane, but that’s the beauty of living in Los Angeles: That’s a typical Wednesday afternoon outfit for many of the dudes out here.
Explanation: Again, we’re back to effort. Even as a low-maintenance guy with no hair, it takes more effort than I’m willing to exert to look good nowadays - especially when dealing with 4-5 hours of sleep a night. The cool part is that I realized something: Why do we spend so much time trying to look nice for strangers who don’t give a rat’s ass about us? I’m a family man; should I care that the trendy UCLA coeds at the supermarket think I look like an idiot? To clarify, I’m self-aware enough to know that I absolutely do look like an idiot when I wear my testicle-frying shorts and Crocs in public. I just don’t care as much anymore.
#3 - Remembering Anything: I can’t remember shit anymore. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t remember to shit if my body didn’t provide clear biological signs that it’s time to drop the dirty chocolates (having kids gives me time to think of creative phrases for pooping).
For example, have any of you ever driven to the mall, gotten out of your car, walked into a store and literally stood there for ten minutes wondering why the hell you were there in the first place? Then did you call/text your wife to see if she could clue you in on your reason for being there and she never responded? Finally did you give up, drive home, and figure out that you weren’t supposed to go to the mall at all - but instead realized that you needed to put gas in your car? As the “yellow light of death” flashed furiously in your car, did you drive to the nearest gas station only to run out of fuel and push the car the remaining 25 feet to the gas pump while people chuckled at you?
Has that ever happened to you?
No??
Well…um, me neither.
Explanation: I forgot.
#4 - Basketball: This is a long one, but humor me here. I was the captain of my college basketball team, and I’ll be the first to pat myself on the back by saying I used to be a pretty good player. I remember watching visiting teams get off of the bus and head into our gym, and some of my teammates would guess which ones were the “Airport All-Stars.”
For those of you unfamiliar with the terminology, there are Airport All-Stars in all walks of life. They are the ones you see in airports, gyms, conference rooms, book groups, playdates, parties, etc. who absolutely look the part of a specific role when you initially see them (superstar athlete, corporate genius, Super Mommy, etc.), but absolutely suck at the role itself. For example, in basketball it’s the 6’5 muscular brotha with the fancy Nikes, designer athletic shorts, and that unmistakable cockiness that says, "I should be playing professionally right now." However, once he starts playing, it doesn’t take long to notice that he can’t tell his ass from his elbows on the court.
In business, it’s the guy who shows up to a meeting with his iPad, designer suit, and fancy eyeglasses. By the looks of him, he looks like he should be running a Fortune 500 company - but once he opens his mouth, you realize that he’d be “fortunate” to have worked 500 total minutes in corporate environment.
So yeah, I think you see where I’m going with this Airport All-Star thing.
Anyway, a couple of years ago I went to the park to play some basketball. There was a group of high school kids playing and they needed one more player for a full game. When it came time to pick teams, I was the first pick because…well, I’m a 6’2 205 lbs black guy who looked the part of a superstar basketball player. The rest of the players seemed like they were auditioning for extra roles on The Big Bang Theory.
I thought, "It’s never fun to compete against inferior competition, but at least I’ll get some exercise in."
Well, I was right about the exercise thing, but dead wrong about everything else.
I took about 15 shots and made none of them. ZERO. My team lost every game we played in, and to make matters worse - I was guarding a 5’6 kid who wore a "I’ll Give You 3.14 Reasons Why I love Pi" T-shirt, and he smoked me harder than an orphaned blunt found at Snoop Dogg’s house. When it came time for the final game of the day, one of the kids on my losing team asked me, "No offense, but have you played basketball before? You look like you should be really good, but…um, you’re kinda not good."
That wasn’t pleasant.
As I drove home wearing my fancy Nikes and designer basketball shorts, I came to the realization that I am the Airport All-Star that I used to make fun of in college. Ah, the universe and its ego-crushing sense of humor.
Explanation: Are you kidding me? I’d have a better chance of finding Bigfoot before dinnertime than attempt to explain how the hell my basketball skills eroded so quickly. But clearly I’m not at all bitter or embarrassed by my Airport All-Star status. However, for some reason my eyeballs are starting to get a little sweaty just thinking about this. Let move on, please.
#5 - Being Ungrateful: Yes, I know sucking at being ungrateful is a double-negative, but it works here. The past 4+ years I’ve spent as a dad have been so ridiculously awesome that I can’t help but be thankful for all of it. At the end of the day, I’m good with sucking at any of the aforementioned - just as long as I do my best to excel for my family and for those who love and care about me.
And by the way, if any of you find that 5’6 kid walking the streets of Los Angeles, tell him I want a rematch.
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Originally appeared at The Good Men Project
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