‘The White Lotus’ Keeps Doing Jennifer Coolidge So Dirty

Everyone is suffering from end-of-trip blues in The White Lotus. But better to go out with a bang than with a whimper, right? While the Di Grasso boys’ trip becomes a spit sisters soiree (and the rest of us wait for a Laura Dern cameo), the Harper/Ethan/Cameron/Daphne foursome’s cheating scandal becomes more complicated. And then there’s poor Tanya (Jennifer Coolidge), who’s starting to realize she’s in danger. How many of The White Lotus cast will be held hostage in a villa this season?

(Warning: Spoilers ahead for Season 2 of The White Lotus.)

Tanya’s terribly dressed assistant Portia (Haley Lu Richardson)—who sports her worst ensemble ever in this episode—has completely disentangled herself from nice guy Albie (Adam DiMarco), who has hit things off with sex worker Lucia (Simona Tabasco). Portia, you should’ve stayed with that silly little simpleton. Sure, he wasn’t all that, but he would’ve kept you out of trouble, girl! Now, he’s busy exploring his family’s history in a small Sicilian town while Portia may end up complicit in screwing her boss out of a bajillion dollars.

In the last episode, Tanya walked in on her new pal Quentin (Tom Hollander) having sex with his “nephew” Jack (Leo Woodall) at his private Italian estate. (Um. What...) The pair clearly aren’t related—unless, you know, The White Lotus plans to make a Game of Thrones pivot. But their sordid relationship is the reason why Jack is enlisted to get Portia out of the picture and leave Tanya alone at the villa. After Jack flirts with her, Portia opts for a day trip out of Palermo instead of hanging with her boss.

‘The White Lotus’ Season 2 Is a Landmark in Horny Television

After the pair get too drunk to drive back to Quentin’s estate, Jack checks into a hotel with Portia, who’s been wary of him since Tanya warned her to watch her back. (Side note: Tanya should’ve just been honest and explained that she saw Quentin and Jack having sex. But she’s a fool!) Nevertheless, Jack is so hammered that he ends up confessing what’s going on to Portia. He was once in a hole of debt that he couldn’t climb out of, and Quentin offered to help. So, Quentin appears to be Jack’s sugar daddy. Now, however, Quentin needs more money in order to pay off his villa—and Tanya seems to be his target to get that cash.

Cut to: A party back at Quentin’s estate, where dozens of glamorous Europeans guzzle Champagne and snort lines of coke from plush bed linens. Quentin hires one of his bad boy Italians (Stefano Gianino) as Tanya’s arm candy for the night, offering up plenty of drugs from his cocaine bag. Tanya goes wild. She parties and sleeps around with a sexy Italian guy, while Quentin stares at her ominously from the fringes. She’s about to lose all her money! And she’s definitely being cheated on! Somebody save Tanya!

But pause for a minute. In actuality, maybe all this Jennifer Coolidge wrongdoing is a good thing. Because, after all, if she continues to face a bunch of hardships, won’t she come out the other side of The White Lotus Season 2 with an Emmy?

The masterful mistreatment of Tanya, as tragic as it may be, has led us to one of the most gut-wrenching, horrifying, and somehow well-deserved falls from grace. Yes, The White Lotus is putting our beloved Peppa Pig queen through hell. Yes, it’s hard to watch. But at the same time, it’s the arc we needed out of Tanya this season. First, she was the privileged wealthy woman taking advantage of hotel employees—now, she’s being scammed.

No matter what the finale does to Tanya, it’s going to be great. If she’s screwed out of millions of dollars, amazing. Let’s see Jennifer Coolidge throw a big-ass temper tantrum, wailing and moaning and groaning while Portia scrambles to cheer her up with quirky Gen Z-isms. But if Tanya can find some way out of this predicament, even though she’s a coked up, horny mess? Power to her. She’s a beast. She can conquer any demons that the White Lotus resorts exorcized from the mini bars.

And then there’s Greg (Jon Gries), too, who’s out there somewhere waiting to return to his wife. We still haven’t figured out where his head is. He’s lying to Tanya. Maybe he’s in on the scam. Or, if we’re more optimistic, perhaps Greg is “lying” politely because he’s actually planning some big surprise back at the hotel for Tanya, who has just cheated on him, done a bunch of drugs, and potentially given away all of her money.

There’s a whole lot riding on this finale episode in Tanya’s world. If she’s caught cheating, maybe she can use Jennifer Coolidge’s wonderful excuse: Pretend she has an identical twin who caused all the chaos.

All of this begs the question: Will Jennifer Coolidge return for The White Lotus Season 3? With the show’s recent renewal announcement, fans have already started casting the new installment. Tap in Lindsay Lohan. Bring in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody cast. Call up A Cinderella Story reunion with Hilary Duff. With all this dream casting taking place, no one has officially called for Jennifer Coolidge to return. (Yet.)

That’s because Jennifer Coolidge’s stay at The White Lotus should end with Season 2. She’s been a great carry over from Season 1, but as we’re leading up into the final episode of this sophomore season, we’re clearly approaching Tanya’s swan song. Like any grandiose opera, our beloved leading lady has been facing a fall from grace all season. Now, will her The White Lotus tale end as a comedy, or a tragedy?

‘The White Lotus’ Just Took a Berserk—and Incestuous?!—Turn

The Five Guests Most Likely to Die

We’re placing bets on who will die this season on The White Lotus. After this episode, here’s our top five picks of folks who may become corpses in just a few episodes.

1. Tanya: Sorry, J.Cool fans. While she’s been a dream, I fear the future for Tanya isn’t looking so bright. The only possible loophole here: At the beginning of the season, the deaths seem to occur at The White Lotus hotel. So, maybe she’s safe?

2. Cameron: Ethan has been possessed by the demon. He believes Harper cheated on him with Cameron, and he doesn’t really know how to proceed with the trip. The easiest solution? Murder.

3. Dominic: WHERE IS LAURA DERN? I suspect Albie is going to ask his father to pay Lucia off and save her from the big bad “Alessio” who’s “stalking her down for money.” I bet Dominic and Albie fall for this, pay Lucia off, and, while they’re doing so, Laura Dern comes in and stabs her husband to death. Okay, maybe a stretch.

4. Alessio: If the above isn’t the case, and Albie doesn’t pay Lucia some lump of funds, I could see him ditching the Nice Guy act and murdering Alessio instead.

5. Quentin: Jennifer Coolidge murdering her assailants? Would love to see this play out.

Read more at The Daily Beast.

Get the Daily Beast's biggest scoops and scandals delivered right to your inbox. Sign up now.

Stay informed and gain unlimited access to the Daily Beast's unmatched reporting. Subscribe now.