Everything has been canceled and the world as we know it has become a dark, dark place. Even Eurovision isn’t happening this year. But at least we still have the magical, mystical, similarly bonkers The Masked Singer to keep us entertained and chip away at what collective sanity we have left. You know, I never expected to see Sarah Palin rapping “Baby Got Back” in a Care Bear onesie, nor did I expect that to not be the weirdest or most apocalyptic headline of last week. But, here we are.
Anyway, this week’s eliminated celebrity cosplayer, whose shaky cover of Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You” failed to get much love, was actress Bella Thorne — judge Ken Jeong’s actual costar in the 2015 teen comedy The DUFF. But of course Ken didn’t guess that, because he was too busy thinking the Swan was, once again, Björk. “That’s classic Ken Jeong: never, ever guessing his costars. This is another Margaret Cho moment,” laughed judge Jenny McCarthy, referring to that time in Season 1 when Jeong failed to recognize the comedian who’d played his own sister on Dr. Ken.
Ironically, Bella — whose character choice was a play on the name “Bella Swan” from Twilight — explained she decided to go on The Masked Singer because Ken kept guessing that last season’s similarly feathered creature, the Flamingo, was her. (That turned out to be Adrienne Bailon.) “I retweeted that, and that made me super-excited. I started watching the show, and I just thought it was so, so amazing, so dope. And I was like, ‘Let's do that,’” she said.
I’m just disappointed, because I was hoping this time Ken would be right and this really would be Björk. But now that the Swan has sung her, um, swan song, let’s keep the America’s favorite guessing game going and play along at home. Who are Group C’s Astronaut, Night Angel, T-Rex, and Rhino?
The Astronaut, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”
First of all, this staging and set design were out-of-this-world, from the Daft Punk fembots hatching from neon Spinal Tap pods (who kind of looked like the androids from the above-mentioned Björk’s “All Is Full of Love” video), to the HAL 9000 monitor with its Alien-from-Season 1 screensaver, to the MTV VMAs Moonman couture. The Astronaut’s vocals were definitely stronger — and different, as Jenny noted — compared to last week’s ballad, so this space cadet ought to stick to uptempo jams from now on.
The clues: Last week’s cues were rather random, but this week there were references to a “circle of life,” sign language, and being a young “bright star” that got burned. One key clue was his career got a boost due to an “organized crime family.”
Judges’ guesses: Donald Glover, Corey Feldman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
My guess: The Astronaut really sounds likes country sensation Hunter Hayes, who was my guess last week. The internet thinks it is Hunter. But I think this could be Chris Colfer. Chris knows how to do sign language; he was just 19 when he started on Glee; and the first big hit out of Glee was “Don’t Stop Believin’,” which was also featured on the mob drama The Sopranos. “Circle of Life” was also performed on Glee.
The Night Angel, “Million Reasons”
This flying purple people creature once again soared, establishing herself as the finest vocalist of Group C and possible all of Season 3. “It’s such a difficult song to sing, and you just made that look so effortless,” raved judge Nicole Scherzinger.
The clues: Last week, we saw a gang of nasty grandmas, plus a reference to “the boy is mine.” This week we saw a strawberry and castle, and the Night Angel said she was “sitting up in her room,” surrounded by other angels, when she decided to “escape” from the pack and build her empire. This Masked Singer season, “destiny” led her back to the stage.
Judges’ guesses: Monica, Regina King, Sia, Jessica Simpson, Taraji P. Henson.
My guess: So many clues are indicating this is Brandy (and I thought it was Monica last week), but the internet tells me this is Real Housewife Kandi Buruss, of girl group Xscape. I’m going to listen to the internet this time. Kandi didn’t write “The Boy Is Mine” or “Sittin’ Up in My Room,” but she did cowrite Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills” and her empire includes a restaurant called Old Lady Gang. For what it’s worth, that empire has also featured a line of strawberry-flavored lubricant.
The T-Rex, “Push It”
If actual T. Rexes had had this much stamina back in prehistoric times, they surely wouldn’t have gone extinct. As Jenny said, this scaly superstar had “not the strongest voice, but the most crazy, amazing amount of energy.” Plus, who doesn’t like this awesome song choice? She p-pushed it real good. (Ignore the incorrect song title in the video below. Someone at Fox is apparently unfamiliar with this awesome song choice.)
The clues: Last week, the T-Rex said she’s a “survivor” who was “plucked out of obscurity” and deported to “an extraordinary place called T-Rex Island,” where she was “one of dozens of talented creatures pirouetting the land, all similar in looks, strength, and skill.” But then a “cataclysmic event” nearly rendered her extinct. This week she mentioned “singles and doubles,” “bumblebee,” and a “double dare.”
Judges’ guesses: Lilly Singh, Liza Koshy, Mikaela Shiffrin.
My guess: Last week, I guessed this might be a U.S. Olympic gymnast. This week, I’m doubling down on that guess, and narrowing it down to double-double trickster and bee-sting survivor Simone Biles, who certainly went through quite a cataclysmic event recently.
The Rhino, “Nice to Meet Ya”
This guy is clearly country superstar… but he’s also got some moves, indicating that he’s either a young guy with crossover-pop appeal or an athlete. Or both!
The clues: This tall, horny “risk-taker” was once on top, but then he “crashed and burned.” He’s from the South, rides a motorcycle, and was “saved” by his new bride.
Judges’ guesses: Tim Tebow, Chris Pratt, Ryan Lochte
My guess: Last week, I guessed this was 6-foot-6, motorcycle-riding, troubled country star Trace Adkins. This week, I am switching my guess to 6-foot-3, motorcycle-riding, troubled country star Sam Hunt, and former football player who’s been on enough planes to warrant wearing the Rhino’s fighter-pilot uniform. It sure sounds like Sam, too.
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