Stamping out digital license plates
All this summer heat’s driving us bonkers. So this week we did what any normal, rational person would do. Removed all the windows in the house and boarded everything up. Now, we know what you’re thinking. We’ve lost our marbles for sure. You’re right. We’ve been hunting for weeks, and there’s no sign of them anywhere.
But the real reason for the remodeling is that the power company said closing the curtains and blinds whenever it gets hot would save big bucks on air conditioning. So we figured removing all that heat-conducting glass meant we’d make out like bandits. True enough. But blank walls are more boring than a bag of plain rice cakes.
What we needed was some artwork to dress things up. And we knew exactly where to get it. The gal on TV assured us that not only was 63 cents a day all it took to transform a scraggly, shivering, flea-infested mutt from Upper Slobovia into the star of the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, but if we acted right away, she’d send us a picture of … an animal. Cool, we thought.
We’d never seen an animal before.
Off went our check, and the very next day the package arrived. What a rip. Instead of an autographed 8 by 10 glossy of Eric Burdon and his mates, it was just a crude Crayola drawing of an orange Muppet monster, whaling away on a drum kit.
Man, we gotta get out of this place.
But that’s how it is these days. Somebody’s always out to make a buck, and the gullible are more than happy to help them succeed. Which is why hundreds of folks the past few weeks plunked down thousands of dollars — because everyone knows inflation and high gas prices are a figment of the imagination — to dress up their cars with the newest, trendiest and most unnecessary bit of high tech to come along since the smartwatch.
Digital license plates.
Oh, sure, the metal ones the Gus Harrison “Plates R Us” factory churns out cost only 50 cents a year over their decade-long life span, but who wants one of those when for a mere $19.95 a month you can have a picture of — oops, wrong commercial — you can have a self-installed, battery-powered, electronic version with numbers and letters that never wear out and that’ll display the word “stolen” at the top anytime somebody decides to swipe Old Betsy and skip town.
Otherwise, how would you know she’s missing?
Or you could go the fancy-schmancy route with a longer lasting, hard-wired version that’ll set you back $24.95 a month. On top of the $150 it takes to have it professionally installed. But a $1,200+ outlay over four years is a small price to pay for never again skinning your knuckles while unscrewing the old plate or screwing a new one into place. Not to mention this digital bad boy automatically renews itself. No more trips to the Secretary of State. No more stamps. At a bargain-basement price of $300 a year, what’s not to like?
Plenty.
You’re still on the hook for the annual registration fee because all those monthly digital charges go straight to plate developer Reviver. Not to mention you never get to enjoy the animatronics of your own plate. Only someone else’s. Which — if it has Animal playing “Wipeout” on it — will prove so distracting you’ll crash into a tree, and your insurance premium will go through the roof, leaving you able to afford only two things. A house with no windows.
And a bag of plain rice cakes.
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time on Buzz 102.5 FM and online at www.dougspade.com and www.lenconnect.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: Stamping out digital license plates
