Mark LaFlamme: We've got enough problems with Target balls and earwigs

·2 min read

Aug. 14—It went from blazing hot to bracing cool so fast last week, it was hell trying to figure out what to wear on a long motorcycle ride. I'd go out in a sleeveless, Metallica mesh half-shirt for coolness and come home in a parka wrapped in a Snuggy topped by a pair of Fraggle Rock earmuffs. I like to mix things up, fashion-wise, when I ride.

You know what you get when you mix swampy hot weather with fast and furious rain storms? Earwigs, that's who. Earwigs everywhere, and I'm not a fan because those things will creep into your ears while you sleep and burrow into your brain. Happened to a guy I know. The other problem with these slimy characters is that you never know where they're going to show up. I know a lady who nearly swallowed an earwig while taking a gulp of her coffee not long ago. I'd tell you who it was, but I don't want to embarrass my wife.

In swampy, wet weather like this, I double my efforts to avoid putting on my motorcycle helmet with a MASSIVE INSECT living inside it. This stems from the incident from last year, of course. You remember The Incident. The spider in my goggles? The fire hydrant? The embarrassing roadside wreck? You DON'T remember? Good. Never happened. Forget I said anything.

Target is almost here. It's cause for excitement, all right, but for me, enthusiasm for the arrival of the super store is purely academic. I can hardly wait to see if Target's iconic red orbs are going to get the same treatment Walmart's maligned yellow poles get. Now, the way the Target balls are situated will make them much harder to hit with a car, but God knows some drivers in this area are very... Oh, let's just say ambitious.

Keebler Elves? Man-sized earwigs? C.H.U.D? Doesn't matter, bruh. I'm scratching this place off my list of potential camping sites. I am NOT going through that again.

Well, YEAH... We've got enough problems with Target balls and earwigs. We don't need monster fish finding their way up the Androscoggin River and into the Lewiston canals. They'd eat all the mermaids.

I have no opinion on this matter at this time. I don't want the FBI, the IRS or the LOL going after MY Palm Beach resort.