How to Manifest Love — and the Kind You Deserve
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"Stop looking for love, and that's when you'll find it" — you've probably heard it before. But how exactly do you find something that you're decisively not looking to find? The answer is a simple, yet, nuanced one: manifestation.
The concept of manifesting love suggests that when you're comfortable and content with your life devoid of love — rather than desperately searching to fill space — you hold space for it. That's because you ultimately attract the energy you exude. And that's how to manifest love at the most basic level.
Manifestation, in general, is an amalgamation of quantum physics, neuroplasticity, and confirmation bias (which is all unpacked here in quite some depth). Basically, it boils down to the biology of your beliefs. We all have the power to think what we want into truths. The more you believe something to be true (like, say, that you are deserving of love), the more you behave in that way. And, the more you behave in that way, making more conscious choices that support your beliefs, the more you attract what you want. The more you attract what you want, the more confirmation you get to continue on this trajectory.
"The measured vibration of love is a high frequency and can expand and grow when a person has loving thoughts and lives a loving life," says Carrie Mead, a mental health counselor, life coach, and reiki practitioner.
A wealth of research shows the medicinal significance of vibrational energy. In fact, the term, "energy medicine," was coined by three researchers from Boulder, Colorado in the late 1980s — and since then, researchers have found that electrical and magnetic energy in the body actually induces chemical responses that can cause you to feel emotions like joy. That's why some research suggests that electromagnetic vibrations (as well as light and sound vibrations) can be used to heal.
And the more you vibrate at a high frequency, the more likely you are to attract people operating at the same vibrations. It boils down to "the law of vibration."
"When someone is confident, loving, and kind, people are more likely to respond to them with openness, kindness, laughter, and joy," explains Mead. "When someone speaks and thinks positively, people are likely to respond positively to them. When someone consciously decides to engage only with people who match their energy or vibe, they automatically eliminate negative, dark, or draining personalities from their life."
Mead says that you can call this "manifestation," but it's all really all about conscious living, which she calls "living in your truth and accepting that what is right for you will come to you."
And she's not the only expert who believes you can manifest love. Here's more on exactly how to manifest love, according to the three most overwhelmingly popular pieces of love advice given straight from experts themselves.
1. Decide what kind of love you want.
Setting intentions is the first step in how to manifest love. After all, you need to know what you want to get what you want.
"Getting what you want in terms of romantic relationships is all about intention," says Claire Grayson, a psychologist and co-founder of Personality Max, a personality test designed to help people get to know themselves better. "Many people struggle with finding the love they want because they don't know what kind of love they want. Therefore, you need to make it clear to yourself. If it helps, you can even write it down or create a mood board." (See: How to Make a Vision Board to Manifest Your Dreams Into Reality)
Likewise, you have to believe that the person or people who can give you the kind of love you want really does or do exist, says Nicole Moore, love and relationship coach at Love Works.
"You have to believe that the kind of partner that you want exists — and that you can find them," she says. "Many people block their manifestations of love because they simply cannot see beyond their past experiences to believe in something new and different. They want better love, but they haven't decided on it. Instead, they let the past and the present be the limits of what's possible."
In order to manifest love, she explains that you need to believe in your vision of it, above all else. And you need to believe in it consistently.
"Faith isn't, 'I'll believe it when I see it,'" she says. "It's, 'I'll believe it until I see it.' Manifesting love is about choosing belief in your vision even when circumstances seem to prove that it's not possible."
2. Believe you are deserving of the love you want.
Once you consider what you want and understand that it's out there and that finding it is feasible, then you can move on to the next step in how to manifest love: You have to know that you are deserving of it.
"Simply put, if you don't feel worthy of the kind of partner or relationship that you really want, it's either not going to manifest into your reality, or it will, and you'll sabotage it," says Moore. "To manifest great love, you want to focus daily on feelings of being worthy and deserving of that which you seek."
Of course, to feel worthy, you'll have to ditch any limiting beliefs you have, adds Charmayne Kilcup, Ph.D., a psychologist, healer, founder of the Finding Soul Love Program, and the author of Heal Your Heart.
"We can only allow in that which we think we are worthy of," she says. "So if you feel unworthy based on experiences from your childhood or previous relationships, you've got to clear that out before you can attract in the kind of partner you are looking for."
Of course, working through childhood trauma or letting go of baggage from past relationships are not necessarily easy feats. However, there are various ways you can unpack it all, such as by introspection through practices like journaling and meditation, or by exploring professional mental health services, including teletherapy via apps or seeing a therapist IRL. You don't need to navigate the healing journey alone, but you do need to heal.
"Beliefs are the building blocks to reality, so you have to make sure you have healthy, functional building blocks in place to truly manifest what you most want," says Kilcup. "Once you find your limiting beliefs and heal them, then you can use positive intention, good thoughts, and visualization to help call in the partner of your dreams."
There's legitimate science behind this concept. In fact, manifestation ultimately works because it changes your perception of reality, says Paul Harrison, a meditation teacher.
"Neuroscience shows that the mind filters reality through your beliefs — so you accept anything that confirms your beliefs, and deny anything that does not conform to your beliefs," he explains. "If you believed no one loved you, your mind will accept any sign that you are unloved, and reject any sign that you are loved. This means that even if someone shows you love, you will reject it because it goes against your belief. So even if love is there, you won't be open to it."
Challenging any beliefs that suggest that you are unlovable will open your mind to the love that, more than likely, already surrounds you. Plus, you approach love from a place of wholeness instead of emptiness. (Related: How Negative Self-Talk Could Be Harming Your Health)
"I've seen many people claim they tried to manifest love and it didn't work — they made a list of what they wanted, or they focused on calling it in and, instead, they attracted someone who they thought was the one but it ended up not working out," says Moore. "In those cases, what I tell people is that it's not that your manifesting didn't work (it did), but that you manifested from the fears and wounds inside of you instead of from the wholeness."
In other words, looking for love to appease your fears and insecurities or heal wounds is not the answer. Instead, you end up attracting someone who mirrors all of that. (Related: All of the Relationship Attachment Styles, Explained)
"[By manifesting,] you are going to get back a mirror reflection of what's inside of you, so it's best to do the work to clear your fears, limiting beliefs and past wounds at the same time that you're actively focusing on manifesting."
3. Surround yourself with all kinds of love.
And now, for the final step in how to manifest love: Don't lose sight of the platonic love from your friends and family that satiates the soul, too. The more you surround yourself with all types of loving relationships, the more you'll put yourself in a position to attract romantic love.
"Your vibe attracts your tribe," says Grayson. "If you surround yourself with like-minded people, you'll continue to attract similar individuals. However, if you're in toxic friendships it's likely that you'll continue the pattern. So break it." (See: 7 Signs You Might Be In a Toxic Relationship)
And, of course, remember that self-love is the best love. After all, the love you receive is merely a reflection of the love you give yourself because you attract what you are and what you feel, explains Callisto Adams, Ph.D., dating and relationship coach at He Texted.
"In order to give and to receive, there should be a source from which the love flows; you become a source of love," says Adams. "The receiving part becomes a reflection of inner self-love. If you're 'chasing' it, you're seeing something that's not within you and seeking to find an external source to complete yourself. In order not to chase love, you have to learn to let go and seek love within your own self for your own self so that you become a source of love."
"Ultimately, you have to fall in love with yourself first," says Lily Allen-Duenas, a reiki master, crystal healer, yoga and meditation teacher, and the founder of the Wild Yoga Tribe.
"Do everything you can to consciously love yourself — have a Sankalpa, which is a daily affirmation of love and gratitude for yourself, your characteristics, and your attributes," she advises. "This resolution and resolve will help you to change your conditioning and to transform yourself on all levels."
To properly perform a Sankalpa, speaking in the present tense ("I am" rather than "I will be" *insert mantra here*) is a step in the right direction. Then, repeating your Sankalpa throughout your day is important. For example, you might say: "I am worthy of love."
"When you are kinder, gentler, softer, and more loving towards yourself, this energy will radiate outwards from you," she says. "Others will be able to sense that you are radiating love and will be attracted to your energy."
In other words: Surround yourself with people who make you feel like the best version of yourself, and then be that best version of yourself for yourself. That is how to manifest love — not just any love, but the kind you deserve.
