Looking Out: Many are ready to give advice to royalty

“The queen passed,” says Johnel. “And now Good King Charles makes his servants carry a personal toilet seat for him when he travels.”

“Really?” says Rooster Croft, holding his cup out for more coffee.

“That’s the rumor,” says Turk Mudge.

“Another reason to thank the founders of the USA,” says Johnel. “Toss the tea, toss the dukes, the earls, the barons and all those other royals.”

“I knew an old timer who spent a year teaching elementary school in England right after World War II,” says Rooster. “His whole house was filled with pictures of the royal family cut out of magazines and newspapers.”

“Some people are fascinated by it,” says Turk. “Go figure.”

“We have royals in this country too,” says Johnel.

“We do?” says Rooster.

“Sure. Beauty queens, homecoming kings, brides all dressed up like princesses, billionaires, movie stars and top-level athletes,” says Johnel.

“Good point!” laughs Rooster. “But none of them get that by birthright like true royalty.”

“I have a buddy named Leslie who claims to be the Emperor of the World,” says Turk. “He says that a supreme power appointed him to that position.”

“What supreme power?” asks Turk.

“Why, himself, of course. He is the Reigning Emperor of the World, after all.”

“That sounds like the reverse of a president trying to pardon himself of all crimes,” laughs Johnel.

“What would you guys do if you could be Emperor of the World for a week?” says Rooster.

“I’d raise and collect taxes immediately and then keep all the money on my way out the door,” says Turk. “And end wars, hunger, racism, shootings, cancer and lots of other bad stuff.”

“That last part sounds like one of those pageant contestants being interviewed, but I can’t argue with you about the thought,” says Johnel.

“I would make all of my pet peeves illegal,” says Rooster.

“You have 7,934 pet peeves. Everything would be illegal,” says Johnel.

“Good point,” says Rooster. “Maybe just the top 1,000.”

“What would you do, Johnel?” says Turk.

“Let me think,” says Johnel.

“Let you think? That’s it? That’s the only thing you’d do as Emperor of the World?” says Turk.

“Hush up. I’m thinking,” says Johnel.

They all drink more coffee.

“Got it!” says Johnel after a bit. “First, I’d end global warming, and then I’d restore all the forests, streams and lakes to pristine condition. The air, too.”

“You couldn’t do that in a week,” says Rooster.

“True,” says Johnel. “So I guess the first thing I’d have to do is extend my term as Emperor of the World for a couple of years, with no term limits.”

“What would you do with lobbyists?” asks Rooster.

“Use them to build a footbridge across the Mississippi River at Winnibigoshish,” says Johnel. “Then I’d pave it with crushed political commercials.”

“We’re shooting too high,” says Turk. “According to the rules set forth in the Constitution of the World Empire, the Emperor is limited to correcting just one thing. Section IX(4)(a). Check it for yourselves.”

“That makes it much tougher,” says Rooster.

They become silent, drinking more coffee and thinking. They then discuss possibilities for a few minutes, before coming to agreement.

Thus it is that the world is made a better place by three guys drinking coffee and calling Leslie, The Reigning Emperor of the World, to give him their decision.

“No more pharmaceutical ads on television telling us not to take a drug if we’re allergic to it,” they tell him.

Fortunately for the world, Emperor Leslie has lots of other advisory groups, whether he wants them or not.

Jim Whitehouse lives in Albion.

This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Jim Whitehouse: Many are ready to give advice to royalty