Today's Funny Women on Twitter theme is: "Uh Oh, Millennials Are Live-Tweeting Existence (Again)."
Make sure you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time? Teenage me: definitely. 30s me: Wait, what
ME: I want 1 ice pack. AMAZON: We will ship you 10000 ice packs each month until the day you die.
*me on the brink of a mental breakdown*can you see my screen
experiencing workplace abuse (they’re making me work)
*leaning out of window in billowing nightshirt* you there! boy! is the corn at the farmers market any good this week or nah
Me: *scrolls through some Coldwater Creek clothes that the algorithm chose to show me*Cue: blink-182’s “I Guess This Is Growing Up”
time to walk on the treadmill and watch the bachelorettes on my ipad. My own personal womens march
If these two ever split I’ll lose my mind.
DARE prepared me for people constantly offering me drugs and risky situations but for real all I keep getting offered are more unpaid labor situations.
Yeah I play D&D&D&D&D. Dungeons, Dragons, Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Roll initiative to enter Flavor Town.
idc how bad life gets i’m not reading a Colleen Hoover book
just saw a woman at the airport get priority boarding because she had an instrument…..next time i’m bringing my drum kit
as summer nears its end, their power grows
impossible to explain to young people how, in 2005, you could start a blog that was like "I love my boyfriend Greg, but sometimes I'm not sure that he's The One" & the president of HarperCollins would drive to your house & personally sign you to a $200,000 book deal
i’m learning spanish specifically so i can expand my access to the drag race universe
walked through a venue and a staff member said she liked my costume, but it’s just my outfit, it’s just the clothes that I picked out and own and wear on a regular basis, it’s just the clothes I like to wear, the clothes I think look nice, but she said she liked my costume
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named "Matt" then you are Matt.
love being off twitter a couple days, logging back on and immediately seeing takes like "bookshelves are performative." It's like remembering why you stopped hanging out with that one friend who always tries to fight the bouncer
Anxiety manifests in many ways, including randomly jumping to different tabs on your computer while getting zero work done
“what kind of MONSTER would MOVE my PHONE CHARGER?!?!?”- me, two seconds before I find where I put my phone charger
Nobody:Bachelorette parties on Instagram:
A guy suggesting a day date on a Wednesday is him soft launching his unemployment
If your writing is rejected 9 times in a row, it means you’re a unique voice of a generation.
by age 30 you should have a few stock market crashes, one 9/11, and a multi year pandemic under your belt
Welcome to middle age. You have to wear hideous shoes and they cost like $175
right now's a real golden age for me getting food on my clothes while I eat x
A "why working from home is bad" guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
People all want the 13 Going On 30 dress but real ones (me) want the Mustang Sally dress from Miss Congeniality
Me: OMG this recipe looks amazing - I’ll text it to myself to try laterAlso me: WHO the HELL is TEXTING ME at THIS TIME OF NIGHT?
im finally gonna meet my boyfriend tonight for our first real in person date!!!! ahhhhh!! because of the pandemic we havent been able to hang IRL, he mostly gives me singing lessons from behind the mirror in the opera house where i live and do ballet. canNOT wait
does anyone know what happens if u mix uppers and downers (use a humidifier and dehumidifier simultaneously) ??
One thing my mom’s gonna do is begin a sentence with, “Now that you’re old enough,” then proceed to tell me the deepest, darkest, gnarliest, most devastating family secret I’ve ever heard that she already told me when I was, like, 6.
Didn’t realize my 7 course tasting menu with wine pairings meant SEVEN GLASSES OF WINES. I’m on course 3 and let’s just say I couldn’t tell you what the hell im eating
I love eating pistachios because not only do you get a snack, you also get a reminder of how weak your fingernails are.
Undercover Boss but it’s CDC Director Rochelle Walensky working one (1) indoor dining shift among a large crowd of maskless patrons.
i love when a show calls its episodes "chapters" im like hell yeah im basically reading tolstoy right now
-arriving in hell- me: omg it’s you! i’m a huge fan of your eggs.the devil:
i think we should let plumbers have the same level of god complex as chefs or doctors
Student loans are ridiculous—I don’t see why *I* should have to pay for a bank’s poor decision to lend an 18 year old $70k to study poems
Cheating should affect your credit score.If Melissa can’t trust you why should Wells Fargo?
Take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly lucky we are that Glee ended before Hamilton made it to Broadway
microdosing hell every morning by waking up in my own mind and body