How can I cope with grief and loss on Mother's Day?
While Mother’s Day is usually thought of as a celebration, the holiday can trigger a complex string of emotions for people who have lost a parent or a child. Jen Hartstein, Yahoo Life Mental Health Contributor and a practicing psychologist, reveals how to cope with these feelings and how to help those around you who may be struggling. “We’re going to be feeling a rainbow of emotions when we are dealing with this kind of loss. We might be angry or disappointed or just entrenched in our grief and sadness,” says Hartstein. “At the same time though we might be feeling hopeful feelings — having solid, positive memories of them and feeling really wistful and pleased with the person we’ve become in the face of the loss of our parent. You might be bouncing back and forth between the positives and the negatives, and just allow it to happen and ride the rollercoaster,” she adds. During the coronavirus crisis, many are experiencing the loss of a parent or a child for the first time, and coping with the outbreak and grief can be an added challenge for some. “Losing a mother during the time of coronavirus adds another layer because we can’t be there in person, so that might trigger a lot of guilt for many of us. One of the things we have to ask ourselves is, ‘Is this guilt justified?’” says Hartstein. “Very often the answer to that is ‘no,’” she adds. Hartstein continues, “You are doing the best you can, you were using the resources you can and because of the crisis you literally could not be there, so cut yourself a break. Allow yourself to experience the devastation of just losing your mom rather than beating yourself up for the fact that you couldn’t do more.” If you’re a mother who has lost a child, the holiday may bring on a multitude of emotions. “It’s the wrong lifecycle for many of us. Parents are not ‘supposed’ to outlive their children so it adds a different level,” says Hartstein. “Allow yourself to move through it. Grief is like an ocean — the waves keep coming but eventually they get more calm and you’ve just got to kind of ride them as they hit you.”
Video Transcript
JEN HARTSTEIN: Mother's Day is just around the corner. Whether you've lost your mother or you're a mother who's lost a child, it can be hard to know how to navigate this kind of a holiday. So today, we're going to talk about how to cope.
We're going to be feeling a rainbow of emotions when we are dealing with this kind of loss, where we might be angry, or disappointed, or just entrenched in our grief and sadness. Maybe we're feeling anxious that we're not kind of living up to the potential of it our mother wanted us to have.
So at the same time though, we might be feeling hopeful feelings, or having solid, positive memories of them, and feeling really wistful, and kind of pleased with kind of the person we've become in the face of the loss of our parents. So you might be bouncing back and forth between the positives and negatives. Just allow it to happen. Ride the roller coaster.
Grief is a powerful emotion, and when we are dealing with the loss of a parent, we are swimming against the tide very often. So we need to recognize when we step over that line. So if we really are struggling with kind of activities of daily life, showering, eating, sleeping on a consistent two to three to four week basis, if we aren't engaging with others virtually right now, then we really need to kind of check in with ourselves to see how we're doing.
If it's feels bigger than just moving through the stages of grief, reach out for help. Even if you are kind of sure it's grief, and you're still uncomfortable, reach out for help. Ask somebody for some support. It can only help you in the long run.
Losing a mother during the time of coronavirus adds another layer, because we can't be there in person. So that might trigger a lot of guilt for many of us. One of the things we have to ask ourselves is is this guilt justified?
Very often, the answer to that is no. You were doing the best you can, you were using the resources you can, and because of the crisis, you literally could not be there. So cut yourself a break, allow yourself to experience the devastation of just losing your mom rather than beating yourself up for the fact that you couldn't do more. Just recognizing that for yourself can be really, really helpful and validating.
For parents who have lost children now through the crisis, prior to the crisis, it's a particularly challenging time, because the mourning process is harder. You might not have the support groups that you had before. You might not be able to touch and hug the people that you were hugging before, so recognize what you can do. Reach out to the supports you can. Connect with the people that maybe have a shared experience, even if it's through some sort of teleconferencing.
But find ways to allow yourself to have that grief as well, because it's the wrong life cycle for many of us, right? Parents are not supposed to outlive their children, so it adds a different level. Allow yourself to move through it. Grief is like the ocean. The waves keep coming, but eventually, they get more calm. You've just got to kind of ride them as they hit you.
The best way to help someone who's struggling with loss is to just be present, right? I think most of us are present right after the loss happens. We check in all the time, we make sure that they're OK, we make sure that they're being fed, we make sure that they're doing the things that they need. I think it's super important to also be present the following month, and two months later, and three months later, because for those of us who haven't experienced the loss, our lives continue. But for the person who lost a mother or who lost a child, they're in it really consistently, so we want to kind of make a note to check in in the ongoing months as the process continues.
It's important though, to remember that joy can exist even when there's sadness. So I can celebrate my mother, which does not diminish someone else's experience of losing their mother. Both things can be true. The key is to recognize that other people have emotions about this, and other people have experiences related to this. Validate that while still celebrating the things in our own lives.
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